..The Morning After

I've never had the ability to sleep in.

I think this stems from my mother's love of waking me up every morning by pulling up the shades while singing "Wake up a Little Susie*"

I live by myself now but I can never sleep past 9 or 10 on the weekends.
and I definitely I can't sleep in after I've been drinking the night before.

On Friday night I went out and engaged in consuming alcohol for many many hours.

After that kind of night I look forward to spending my Saturday in my pj's, on the couch, napping and watching TV.

But at 9:30AM I hear pounding, drilling, hammering
the neighbor who hasn't picked up the chinese menu that was in front of his door for the past two weeks, suddenly wants to build something.
So with a tiny manageable headache escalating to thoughts of jumping out the window to escape the incessant pounding I realize I need to get out of my sanctuary before it kills me.

I go about the apartment collecting my necessary accessories.
purse that weighs about ten pounds due to change - check
cell phone - check
ipod & headphones - check
metro card - check
keys - check
wallet - um, not here, maybe it's here, (pounding walls) not gonna get nervous, (sounds like he's about to break the wall down and be in my apartment)
"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS OVER THERE?!!!!"
the banging stops for a minute.
I gotta get outta here, think, think, think think think!!!:: when did you last see the wallet?
is it under the couch - no
is it in my bedroom - no
it is under all the crap on the couch - move the sweat shirt, move last months cable bill, the ten Victoria's Secret catalogue that I shouldn't look at because I already have too much shit, move the too much shit and - no wallet.

Oh, now I remember. I had it on the seat in the cab and I looked right at it and thought,

I should put that in my bag, I'm going to forget it.
Damn.

Have you ever called the NYC cab lost and found? do you know what you get, you get the CITY of NEW YORK on the phone. I'm on hold thinking, this is going to take forever. Nope, I got on the line with Maria quite quickly, and she even laughed when I went through my stob story to only reveal at the end "oh yeah and I was tipsy" so Maria and I walk through my night.
"Where did the cab pick you up?"
I was on 2 or 3rd ave on either 53 or 50th Street, I think.
"Are you sure?"
Maria, I had been drinking since 6,
"Ok, so what time did you get into the cab?"
I'm gonna say around 12 or 1
"so it was this morning?"
I think so but I have no concept of time.
"excuse me?"
I don't wear a watch and there's only one correct clock in my apartment, and I'm not always sure that's right.
"Where did the cab drop you off?"
That I remembered
I think if I didn't, Maria was going to transfer me to an AA meeting.

I then call and cancel my capitol one card. No transactions we're ok.
I then check my ATM card online. No transactions we're ok.
I then call my mother because my license still reads that I'm living with her.
She expresses concern, understanding, asks if I canceled my ATM card and I said I was about to when I hung up with her. She says "DO IT NOW!" and hangs up on me. We're O-K.

So, the pounding is intense, there's more of it now and my arm is tired of hanging onto the cell phone because I've been calling all over to cancel things and try to find my wallet. Finally, I realize that I've done all I can do, I need to get out and my friend lives only blocks away so I head over to his place to get my Saturday relaxation on.

When I walked home, very very slowly that night, I was petrified that my neighbor would still be working away. I was walking down Steinway thinking that instead of fast food, tonight I'll go to the food store, when I saw a cute dude and I gave him a little smile. He was walking the other way, no harm - right?
Nope.
He followed me up to the store. At first he was nice, he was Ukranian, I probably didn't spell that right, but I would do an even more muderous version of his name if I tried typing that. "Where you from?" he asks me.
"New York"
He laughed his ass off. "You the only one around here from here."
So true.
"You give me number?"
"I don't even know you."
"You give me phone number."
"No thanks."
"You no give me phone number? I'm not good at English. You give me phone number."
"I don't buy that dude, like I said, I'm FROM HERE."
He then walked away, saying his friend lived on that block,
a few minutes later...
he runs up behind me and asks if I'd like to get pizza with him.
I said I had to go food shopping and that I didn't believe in pizza.
It confused the hell out of him and he let me go.
The moral of this story - whenever an annoying man hits on you, act crazy. If he acts crazy, act crazier.

As for my wallet, when I got home I had an email. The cab driver found my wallet and used my business card to contact me.

And today, no loud construction work, and i'm lounging around the messy apartment watching the Met game.
See, it all ends up ok. It's just a bitch that morning after.


*My mother is the only person who can really get away with calling me Susie. This is because she birthed me and loves me unconditionally - no one else has this right. See if you know me, if you've ever heard me speak, you will know I'm not a Susie. There have been other people along the way that I've allowed (the rule is, if you knew me when I was young enough to be a Susie, age 6 and below, it's ok). What happens if you call me Susie? I go to the very dark obnoxious part of myself and will lay thick contempt upon you. Even if you think it's going to be funny, think twice before calling me Susie.