Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

It's less than a month away now.

I dread/look forward to
my birthday like a kid Crazy for Christmas,
in a movie about Santa visiting the kid,
but Santa turns out to be pure EVIL.

Now, I know that I shouldn't dwell on it.

But -
my birthday has become a year over year pursuit for fun
in a
twisted game of worst day ever.

My friends will point out to times that I was happy
and how they helped me have fun on my birthday- it's true, they have photo proof.

But no one takes a picture of the sad girl on her birthday,
although it could be a poetic photo in black and white-
or really funny if video taped.

I could run down the list; I'll spare you all the times bad things happened on my birthday.
There've been 24 of them so far
and do you really wanna know?...*
Because
nothing on the list really beats burying your father on your birthday.

If my mother reads that line she will shout aloud,
"Susan, I asked if it was ok! You know we had no choice!
You swore you wouldn't complain about this in public..."
..even if I wasn't in the same room with her.

The truth is I was totally fine with it,
I mean as fine as you are with your Dad being dead.

It was just made worse
when my uncle wished me a happy birthday
at my father's grave site.

Anyway...
my birthday is coming.
I'm seeing it on calendars.
It's around due dates.
There are people making plans for things.

I don't have any.
I don't want any -
I know I'll end up making them though.
And I'll hope sooo much that it's good.

It will be a pretty cool one, 1/4 century.

So, should I keep hope alive?
Or will I do what I always wished I've done after my bad birthdays and
sit alone in my apartment watching tv,
doing whatever the heck I wanted
as long as it didn't involve social interaction?

Well, we have a month to find out.

Stay Tuned...


*...about how when I was four my "friend" got to eat the pink rose off my cake and I wasn't allowed to cry about it because she'd throw a fit?
...the sleepover that I said "Maxine" had puppy dog eyes and "Sarah" told her that I called her a bitch.
...overpaid a cabby with my birthday money, aka the only money I'd have for two weeks.
...getting a speeding ticket, getting food poisoning, and finding out my boyfriend had been cheating on me - all in one birthday!