"I am so Awkward!!!"

Was I the only one under the impression that
life would be different after high school?
Like you'd go to college, graduate, get a job, and
you'd become -
an adult.

And all the bull shit of high school
all the stupid clicks,
the insecurities,
and most importantly
the awkwardness around the opposite sex,
would disappear.

When in all actuality
my awkwardness has increased
it's an anomaly of inverse relationships that regents' questions are made from.

When I was 15 -21 I wasn't single longer than 2 months.
2 months people!
I'm 24, I haven't had a relationship in 3 years.

And when I was 14 I would've called the people I'm currently interested in:
men
but ten years later, I'm calling them boys.

I did date a marine for 3 days.
He told me he was dying and couldn't get attached to me.
Yeah, ok,
do you see why they're still boys now?

Honestly,
I'm no better.

I've liked people -
I mean "like liked" boys,
(oh, that was really lame to write out)
for years
and never been able to do anything about it.

I just get too nervous.

Or I do act, at a horrible moment, and blow it completely.

I don't think any adult is better though.
I mean, when you are talking to a person you really fancy
don't you get nervous?

Or did you ever feel so comfortable around someone you fancied
that it made you even more nervous?

And what about the whole phone call/email/instant message exchange-
how awkward is that?
You leave a message for someone,
and you're just waiting
checking
holding your breath
thinking the worst
checking again
exhaling defeat
...and it's only been an hour.

When you're in person, it's even worse -

If there's a guy who I think likes me and I don't like him
I can't even look at him, because I'm afraid a smile will set him off.

If there's a guy who I like
I can't even look at him, because I'm afraid a smile will scare him off.

I think the only way you can tell the difference is by the subtle tone of my voice.
(Hear that? listen up boys!)

I might sound paranoid to some people,
but I bet the people who think that are in relationships.

Kids, the moral of this ramble is:

Toughin' up in high school, because the real world is just one giant assembly of awkward teens.