Is There An App For Being A Lame Adult?

Last week, I stood in the Apple Store giddy as the kind sales woman smiled at me and said, "It's all yours, here's your iPhone."

"I paid for it? It's done? It's all set? It's really mine?" I said, clutching as if she was going to say - "Haha! I fooled you! No, you can't have this phone that you had sufficient funds to buy because you're Sue Funke and you can't have nice things. Mwah ha ha ha!"

But, she didn't. Instead, she nodded and gave me a smile while her eyes read, "This lady is nuts."

And that's when the iPhone became, my Matilda. (Yeah, I named it. I am aware that I am nuts, that woman was totally right to look at me that way.)

Within two hours of taking Matilda back to my office and syncing her up – I had erased years of contacts from my Gmail, about 800 contracts were poof! Gone.

How did I do such a thing? Honestly, the story is boring, but the truth of the matter was this technology was too much to handle so soon. I mean I went from flippy phone that got some rinky dink mobile sites, to being George Jetson shouting, “Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!”

But, I had signed a contract that stated I have 30 days to appreciate this device, or give it back and get the phone I already knew I didn’t want – a BlackBerry.

See, before I purchased (Matilda) my iPhone, I researched her for 6 months. In my world nothing should cost more than $20. When something does cost more I research the shit out of it. I look online, I ask friends, I grill customer service people with lists of questions. I go to stores and test, and ask more questions. I’m kinda nutty about it, so it makes sense that I’m an editor that focuses on ecommerce content.

I was determined to stand behind my research and fall in love with my iPhone.

I posted an update on Facebook asking for help with the applications. I didn’t know much about them, but I did know I should covet them because there’s an “app” for everything. I got this phone to help improve my life so – Friends, Countrymen, iPhoners! Lend me your app advice!
What came back were a deluge of games for me to play on my mobile advice.

Now, I got this phone to help improve my life: check work-email on the go, organize my gmail, make sure that I got to the right place on time – not to get a high score on Frogger.

It’s not that I don’t like video games. That’s actually far from the truth. I love playing video games. In fact there are rainy nights where I’ll sit around wishing I could play a round of Golden Eye, or even just try my hand again at the Same Game. But, I can’t play those games anymore, because…I’m a video game addict.

When I play video games, my competitive side comes out. I’m not just into this game because it’s fun. I’m in it to win it. And until I do, which I rarely do, I think about it – a lot.

I would find myself in high school and college not listening but looking at my fingers and mimicking the buttons on the controller. I would fall asleep and see the blocks of the Same Game arranging themselves so that I’d win. It gets to the point where when I get really into a video game, I lose all hopes of being a productive member of society. Because, I’m pretty sure society doesn’t have any openings for hire for mediocre, female gamers.

It’s embarrassing to admit all this to eager eyed pals that want me to download fun games. They, are all excited for us to share in the joys of gaming while I’m sitting there thinking, Yeah, but I really need to be successful and eat and stuff.

And through all this I realized, that I’m an adult. Not only am I an adult, but I’m kinda a dorky one. Like, I look at my iPhone as a productivity tool. Who says that kind of shit? Me! Me! I’m a freakin’ lame adult. I have goals, and game plans, and responsibilities, and a need to be productive.

I shouldn’t be so surprised by all this though. I was a dorky kid, too. I guess things don’t change so much, they just evolve. And maybe I can grow to be able to download one game, like an educational one. That won’t be too dangerous, right?

Well, for now I'll work on productivity tool app downloading. My favorite app so far, my Taco Bell locator.

Like my essay/story telling style? Check me out live at one of my storytelling shows live this month!