Debbie Says The Darndest Things

I called my pal Debbie last night to catch up and make plans to see each other because I miss my former college roommate's face. The following is a transcript of one portion of our call:

Me: So, yeah we went on a date and had a great time.

Debbie: I'm really happy for you!

Me: Don't you wanna ask me anything else about him?

Debbie: How does he feel about domestic abuse?

Me:....(laughter) I was thinking more about what does he do for a living, but I am pretty sure he's anti domestic abuse.

Debbie: Well, it's important to find out about that kinda thing early.

I think Debbie maybe watching too much Lifetime.

The Thinning is the oddest part

I've lost about 30 pounds or so.
I still haven't bought a scale.

I'm still sick.
Which to most people is a saddening shock,
"No! I thought that was over?"

I'm going to most likely live the next two years
of my life in and out of pain after eating food.

There are ways of coping with this.

• I'm not doing stand up for a couple of months so I can get more rest.
• I'm going to focus on writing screenplays/pilots, again.
• I'm eating healthy foods (good bye pizza, good bye french fry!)
• I'm drinking about three drinks a week.
• I'm exercising to get more energy now that I don't drink coffee.
• I'm taking a bunch of unfun drugs, that make me randomly dizzy.
  

The weirdest thing is when I feel myself loosing weight.

I walk out in the morning and I'm wearing clothes that fit me
and somehow from the time I do my mirror fashion show at my apartment
to the time I get up from my desk to fill my water bottle

The clothes are falling off and it's like I can feel chin fat go away.

It's not a healthy thing.

But it's a good thing for my appearance.

Suddenly I'm getting hit on, a lot.
And it's really funny
because I didn't realize how lame some guys were.

Here's a tip, just because we like the same music
doesn't mean I am going to accompany you home.

A lot of people like Nirvana,
you are not a unique snowflake.

"Chicks Dig That"

On Saturday night, after watching an amazing Sox v. Yankee game,
I went out to a local bar with three men that I am friends with.

That's right folks, Sue Funke is quite the baller.
3 dudes, one Sue,
none of them my significant other,
and I wonder why men never come up to me at bars.

But, I did learn a ton about
what women want.

Here's the list of things I gathered:
Sweet drinks
Frilly sofas and shit
Drapery
Guys with Business Cards
Artists- if they're cool
(the girl not the artist, because artists are cool therefore only cool girls like artists)
Guys who act like they aren't interested
Dudes with money

The list probably goes on
but the funny thing is I'm not into any of this stuff really.

When I said that to them
the reply was
"Well, you're not like other girls"

Recently, I was told by another male friend
that guys don't want girls who watch sports
but these three males refuted by saying,
"it's so rare to find a girl who likes sports,
that there has to be something wrong with her."

Maybe it's because I'm hanging out with dudes all the time.
The wall of cock block.

No man yet brave enough to break through them.
Mostly because they think one of them is with me.

Well fellas, if you see me at a sports bar with a bunch of dudes
It's safe to bet I'm not "with" any of them.

I'm the one standing there going
"stop talking about that chicks rack,
look at that play!"