Showing posts with label Single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Single. Show all posts

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Down with Allergies!

This blog could also be called, "A Birthday Present For Colin Dempsey: My Blog's Biggest Fan"
I've been meaning to blog. I really have, but instead, I've slept.

I was sick for about three weeks. Turns out I'm severely allergic to something.
I'm really hoping that something isn't this:
That you see sitting there blending into my floor is Mimosa. She's an eight year old cat that kinda looks like Wilford Brimley and Garfield if they had offspring. I got her via a friend of a friend of a friend.
I wasn't looking for a cat, but when I saw her adorable face I was sold.
I really don't want to talk too much about her. Mostly, because I already feel ridiculously single, with a cat conversation on the tip of my tongue I feel like I'm online for a ticket to spinster central.
Also, it appears she may be one of the things that has made me deathly ill for the past three weeks.

Other possible allergen culprits are:

  1. A new form of grass : This seems ironic for those of you who know of some of my recreational habits, but I'm actually really allergic to grass. I find this kinda weird that a new strain of grass got to me seeing as I live in the concrete jungle that is NYC, but perhaps I've been walking through fields during one of my many "vacations". (Since I'm poor this year, vacations are basically me getting black out drunk.)
  2. Dust: It's already known that I'm allergic to dust, but it's odd that I'd be getting more dust than usual. Especially since I've actually started cleaning my apartment on a regular bases. (Growing up is weird- priorities shift. Instead of brunching the weekend mornings away I sweep/mop and listen to NPR)
  3. Dairy: I've been told that this might be a problem in the past. I am in total denial of this being a possible truth. I really don't want a life without cheese.
So, I'm basically waiting until the blood tests come back to see what allergen is sucking my will to live.

Luckily, I can still drink- and we're doing an Octoberfest theme at Convergence tonight.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Invite To Your Wedding

Hey Pal That's Engaged!

I am so enthused that you and ___ are engaged. That is absolutely not a surprise to hear. I love both of you and think it's wonderful that you are going for it. Yay, marriage!

What's that? The wedding is in _____state? How great! You'll get to be with your entire family.

I know! Parents are crazy with guest lists. You're at how many people? That is a lot.

Here's a suggestion, don't invite me. No, totally, it's cool.

Why?
It's not that I don't love you and want to be part of your special day. It's that dresses, and those gifts I'll be getting you (for engagement, shower and wedding) are expensive.

What was that? You guys are registered for all the things I can't afford for myself but desperately need? Awesome.
Those bath towels I also wanted will be a much better edition to your linen closet full of two people's sets of towels, as opposed to my Little Mermaid beach towel that I keep laundering.

In conclusion, Pal, I could not be happier for you two, except if you left me off that invite list.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

...Wait! Who else is going to be there? And you're having what served?
Good lord.
Shrimp AND Steak?
And of course an open bar....

Ya know what, on second thought, I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world. Count me in.

Note to self...stop buying food for a month. This will aid in wedding fees and weight loss.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

All the Single Ladies, Now with More Sue Funke

To answer a couple of reader's that actually took the time to email and ask
(You're so sweet!...and apparently bored.)

Yes, I'm single again.

There are no plans of online dating, for that kind of killed my self esteem.

There are plans of having great times with my friends this summer, working on a bunch of writing projects, and drinking white wine on my balcony.

All is well, and me and the mr. parted pals.

Thanks for asking, and to that one dude that asked, no that doesn't mean I'll consider moving to Bombay.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13th in the life of Sue Funke: '08 Edition

I'm playing with titles, what do you think?

Anyway, here's the slapdash rundown:

12pm- Brunch with Mr. Welch at a French place in Greenwich Village: Lovely

1pm - Time for leisurely shopping (translation~I can't feel my legs, I really need to buy some tights, a hat, some gloves.) Oh hey here's the store I have $15 credit at, I'll go here...
Oh crap, I can't find the credit : Ugh.

2pm - Call Mama Funke to let her know I'm alive/get laundry/discuss life and comedy with Mara Herron : Busy, busy, busy*

3pm - Meet fellow Ultimate Expert Arthur Carlson on the R to visit pal Joe Powers: Ramblin' on

3:30-5:30pm - Talk to my pals Joe and Art : Bittersweet

6pm -Get the tights you realize you can't continue on without/ Pick up voice recorder, it's a two show night, you should use it! : Chilly

7pm - Watch Lil' Seany Boy Show at Ochi's. It's free and you can get fountain style cherry coke, mmmm. Oh, and it's also got the gang from Don't Touch Me There hosting great comedians. :Hilarious

9pm - Perform on Family hour w/ Auntie Sara at Ochi's. I go up first, tell stories about my brother Mike and his son Chris. It's the first time I've told like 90% of the story I tell on stage. Completely forget to record it. : Boneheaded yet Blissful
(Sure, I missed recording the good story, but at least I know I can tell a good story. It'll come again.)

10pm -Show for a private Jewish High School. Surprisingly great show, cause teacher to fall over laughing with my pathetic singleness stories. :Elated..but still forgot to tape the set!

11pm -Find a bus that takes me from Amsterdam Avenue to Astoria in 15 minutes, reducing travel time allowing to go home and get to bed. : Priceless.

2am - Why, WHY why am i still awake after that long of day?



*This is taken from the Bokonist religion. A fictional religion created by my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, in my favorite book Cat's Cradle.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Thursday

I had a busy week by Thursday, as you might have noticed from my previous posts, this week it's been a deadline/triple-job-everyday week - except for Thursday.

On Thursday I had only my day job to do, and then I was going home to relax.

When I got home though, new roommate Emily wanted to go to the mall, and having not been to a mall in quite sometime I figured what-the-hey! Why not get some window-shopping-pre-christmas-inspiration done?

Well, after trekking the Queens Mall end-to-end, we decided we needed "just one beer" at our local pub.

As we sat and chatted we realized that we were two of four females in the place, and it was wall-to-wall men. Quite a lovely ratio for two single gals such as ourselves. There was an uproar directed at the screens and it finally dawned on us, we were in the midst of Thursday Night Football - Cowboys v. The Packers.

We dodged and weaved in our chairs through our conversations as we watched the game and eventually got hooked. "That play was bull! Did ya see his foot!...So, yeah, anyway, maybe just one more drink, it is only the third quarter."

I think my favorite part about watching the game was the men's reactions to our reactions.
"Oh, you know about football?"
"You understand what's going on up there?" one says to me as he points to the television screen.

I wondered what they expected my response to be exactly.
"Oh no, I thought something went horrible awry with the Hills and they had to do some sort of challenge and this was it. "

When the game ended we went up to settle the tab and it turned out some of the guys had paid for our drinks and purchased another round. We sat and talked with them for a little while until one of the other bartenders came in with a guitar. The regulars were able to coax the guitar out of it's case and we all ended up singing Johnny Cash, and Irish folk, songs. I, of course, requested A Boy Named Sue. None of us seemed to know the entire song, but we did a rather funny, good-hearted attempt at it.

The hours seemed to fly by that night, and roommate Tom failed to join us due to his eternal love for pepperoni pizza. This of course meant retaliation of some sort for missing the fun.
As Emily unlocked our front door she turned to me and said, "Jump on Tom's bed in three."

"Oh, Em, I dunno if this is a good idea."
"One..." she said with a devious grin.
"He's most likely passed out, and there's a chance we could get injured by a Domino's box."
"Two..."she said as she turned the knob of the door.
"You're gonna do it no matter what I say aren't you?"
She nodded as she finished the count and flung the door open -
"THREE!" we both shouted as we bounded straight down the hall and burst into his room hitting the light and diving onto his bed.

I've never seen someone more frightened.

He didn't kill us. He ended up catching our infectious laughter as he threatened us though. We then left him to sleep and resumed our jovial romping and singing around the apartment. Downstairs we went through my closet to look at whatever fun thing laid on top and I found the most fun thing of all.

My advanced birthday gift from my sister:
A hooded towel that looks like a butterfly from TinyBubbles.etsy.com
(I highly recommend clicking on that link to see the image of this awesome towel...and perhaps buying one for yourself and everyone you love.)
We then took turns wearing the towel and acting like buffoons.

During our last flutter around the kitchen, and verse of Ring of Fire, we realized the clock on the stove was telling us that it was no longer Thursday, it was Friday. The impressions that we had built of it being a weekend shattered, and we hung the towel up and headed to bed to rest a few hours before heading out to what would no doubt be, a long day of work.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Come on Everybody We've Got Quiltin' to Do!

So I'm sick, shocking I'm sure.

Today's illness is a sinus infection. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't unclog my ear on Saturday, but hoped that it would all go away if I was really super careful and relaxed on Sunday. When I couldn't sleep on Sunday cause I couldn't breathe I knew I had to call out sick, rest, and get to my doctor's office.

I can't just take over the counter medicines. I'm sure advil cold and sinus wouldn't kill me, but I have like four bottles of prescription pills that have labels that read "CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE TAKING OTC MEDICATIONS." "THIS MEDICINE CAN REACT POORLY WITH OTC MEDICINES." Seeing as I've already self destructed once this year, I hopped the R to my medical suite.

There was my tall, thin, mouse of a man doctor with his copy of the Post tucked securely under his arm, waving me in to the exam room. I list all my symptoms:
-Ear ache
-Sinus Congestion
-Cough with mucus
-Head ache
-Fatigue
He nods along with all of them and then I say,
"Oh and I had some stomach trouble this morning, but -"

He then tells me it might be an STD.
I'm shocked, completely taken aback.
Um, excuse me sir, but I think that's actually impossible because I'm not sexually active.

He doesn't acknowledge my confession but says, "I'll give you the Z Pack that covers all of it."

And I sit there wondering...
OK. So, I know God works in mysterious ways, and I was taught all about the miraculous conception. But does God hate me so much as to punish my chastity and give me miraculous STDS?!?!


I just couldn't believe it, so I tell the doctor, "I didn't take my stomach medication Friday and Saturday. Could that have caused the stomach irritation?"

He doesn't look up at me, but just flips through my chart and nods slowly as he reads it all.
"...Ahh yes, you've got IBS, gotta take those meds steady or else you'll get flair ups.
When did you get that cough again?"

I openly confess, "I started smoking frequently last week and it came from that."

"Well then, stay away from the cigarettes. I know it's tough, but your sinuses can't take it, that's what gave you that infection."

"So, I don't have an STD."

"Did you think you did?"

"You said I might. I believe it's impossible."

"It's just a sinus infection, but I'll give you the Z Pack just in case..."

As soon as I got off the subway I contacted a close pal of mine and vented my jarring experience. He told me I was just suffering from Catholic guilt, it was impossible for God to give miraculous STDS, and that I shouldn't ever smoke again. He also informed me that like you see on the show House, M.D. most people lie. It's a reflex for doctor's to assume so and that I shouldn't take it too personally.

The moral of the story: God doesn't hate me nearly as much as I feared, and I should never smoke a cigarette again because sinus infections can be scary.

All this made me think of one of my favorite parts of Team America, so please take a moment to enjoy the following ballad from LEASE:

Saturday, June 09, 2007

The Thinning is the oddest part

I've lost about 30 pounds or so.
I still haven't bought a scale.

I'm still sick.
Which to most people is a saddening shock,
"No! I thought that was over?"

I'm going to most likely live the next two years
of my life in and out of pain after eating food.

There are ways of coping with this.
  • I'm not doing stand up for a couple of months so I can get more rest.
  • I'm going to focus on writing screenplays/pilots, again.
  • I'm eating healthy foods (good bye pizza, good bye french fry!)
  • I'm drinking about three drinks a week.
  • I'm exercising to get more energy now that I don't drink coffee.
  • I'm taking a bunch of unfun drugs, that make me randomly dizzy.
The weirdest thing is when I feel myself loosing weight.

I walk out in the morning and I'm wearing clothes that fit me
and somehow from the time I do my mirror fashion show at my apartment
to the time I get up from my desk to fill my water bottle

The clothes are falling off and it's like I can feel chin fat go away.

It's not a healthy thing.

But it's a good thing for my appearance.

Suddenly I'm getting hit on, a lot.
And it's really funny
because I didn't realize how lame some guys were.

Here's a tip, just because we like the same music
doesn't mean I am going to accompany you home.

A lot of people like Nirvana,
you are not a unique snowflake.

Friday, April 27, 2007

My Online Dating Venture

How does one get over a bad seed?
Plant a new one.

For over a year now I've been off and on
with a bad seed.

My friends say he's no good,
but I listen to too much Aretha Franklin
which somehow makes it more appealing.

Last week I arrived at the understanding that I do need a new guy.

So where do you go in NYC, a city of millions, to find someone new?
The Internet.

This is not some hot club, but ye old Internet sites.
There are tons out there, but I ended up trying out:
Match.com, Nerve.com

Match.com "It's okay (and Free) to Look!"
ads are everywhere.
But ya know how much they charge per month?
like 40 bucks!
Am I 40 bucks desperate to date?
Oh, wait, I have 40 bucks to my name this week.
That's a NO.

I fill out my profile, quickly:

"I want a guy who will understand my crazy schedule
and hanging out at random times
to chill out with a beer, watch tv and eat nachos."

And I put up three photos-
Me on St. Patty's day in Chicago with a Sam Adams
Me in Atlantic City taking a shot
Me in my rainbowbrite shirt drinking a Grolsch

...there's a theme there...

I get matches back in two days from match.com
9 giant thugs with glowing crosses on big chains
and 1 normal looking dude (who never wrote back).

I get four emails from guys on Match.com
they are all much older, from Jersey or Long Island
and love my smile.

$40? No thanks.

Well, there's still Nerve.com
and I filled out a profile there too, quickly

I get back my compatible suitors from Nerve -
they're all chicks.

I double checked that I'm there for men.
Yep.
Apparently, the Nerve thinks I'm a lesbian.

Online dating was quite possibly one of the most depressing things I've ever done.
All profiles have been taken down.

I guess I just wasn't made for these times.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I woke up alarmed..

I haven’t been sleeping well these days.
You can ask my friends and family,
even co-workers and fellow comics.
Everyone I know can tell that I haven’t slept,
even without me having to bitch
“I haven’t slept in weeks!”

My sleep patterns might have to do with a drinking binge
Or the fact that I work a full time job
Then I go out to open mics and meetings with comics
And I usually don’t get home until midnight
And then I stay up and work on the internet
For either my day job or my comedy aspirations

I’m averaging 4 hours of sleep
Usually interrupted by me waking up in a panic
Sure that I forgot to do something,
or that I need to do something
It’s not a fun way to sleep

Last Tuesday I woke up
And I was literally singing
The lyrics to the Liz Phair song “Fuck and Run”

The chorus is “I want a boyfriend”
and I would like the kind of guy who makes love cause he’s in it.
But I just don’t see that happening anytime soon.

When am I supposed to meet and cultivate this relationship
when I work approximately 20 hours a day?

This is why I go back to an idea I had years ago
It’s boyfriend in a box!
He’s there when you need him, holidays, lonely nights, weddings.
And then goes back in the box when you’re busy.

I think I should write a note to Matel asking for them to kindly
Create and send me a boyfriend in a box as soon as possible.
Then maybe I’d sleep.