Best Homeless Dude Ever

I had kind of a bad morning on Friday. My shower schedule was messed up, it was cold, I was grumpy. As I sat on the V fake sleeping we pulled into the 34th street stop. A homeless man walked into my train and not only changed my day but damn near changed my life.

"Who here is going to work today?" He asked in a happy, booming voice.
There was no response from the fairly empty car. Probably because only 10 out of the 20 of us in the car were comprehensive of the english language.

"From that response, I'm guessing all of you. You all look miserable. You should be like me -
I'm drrrunk!" he proclaimed this in laughed happily to himself, "I have been drunk a looooong time ain't that crazy? Well it ain't because I'm happy!"

He pointed to a man in a suit and said, "Hey Wall Street let me guess, you work in finance?"

"No," the man laughed.

"Well, then you should get drunk with me today. I'm a good guy." He then turned his focus back to the rest of the car, "I want to let you folks know that I am a Christian, and a pimp. " This statement was said so profoundly that I knew he was only going to get better from this point forward.

I took out my cell phone and started texting myself what he was saying while I held in my giggles.

"I'm not making this up people," he went on to say, "women love pimps. Christian women love pimps, you can ask them. They'll lie, not very Christ-like. But those Christian women love pimps. Trust me on that. Stay poor and be happy. Work hard and you're all miserable. Suit," he turned back to his suited pal, "you got a wife or girlfriend?"

"No," the man continued to play along.

"I'm gonna get you a lady, because after all, I am a Christian, and a pimp. How about that lady over there. She probably likes assholes. Women like assholes too. Listen to me suit. I know this stuff, I'm not just a drunk. I'm a pimp! And I'm telling you, that lady over there is your women. Hey! Phone girl. Phony! Aww man all women are phony, too. Suit, remember that. Miss! Miss! Aw she thinks she's cute. Only the pimp is cute."

At this point, I realize he might be talking about me. I turned around to get a look at the guy. He caught me looking at him and I looked away.

"Aww Phony don't do that. I see you looking at me."

I looked back again and smiled.

"Look at THAT you are beautiful! Do you see that Suit? Hey Beautiful, are you Irish?"

"Not really," I replied. Not wanting to explain my muttness to him.

"Well, you should tell those folks at the parade next year you are Irish. They need more beauty in that parade. I tried last year to march along with my beautiful self and you know what they did to me? They said, 'you are an American Negro' and they cracked a bottle of whiskey over my head! I still got the scar. But ya know what? I didn't care because I had all that whiskey pouring over my head."

By this time I was at my stop, and was making my way towards the exit.

"Beautiful! I want you to know something, you are something else. Let me give you some advice - Don't be afraid to be poor, be happy. Oh, and marry a dark skinned man, ya got that beautiful?"

I nodded, laughed, and walked on to work.

Thanks for the advice dude. Oh, wait - I mean Mr. Christian Pimp.

Another Saturday Night

and I got two buddies at the Liar, so I hop the train for a drink.
A drink, maybe two, or three...
That was at 6pm.
Due to intoxication and the horrible MTA, I ended up not getting home until 2:30 in the morning.
Here is a recap of the night, as I remember it:
7 PM - I walk up to the bar to see Adam smoking a cigar and Tom smoking a cigarette, both look at me like I'm insane. Aparently putting on a long skirt, no matter how dirty it is, is "putting in a lot of effort" on my appearance, I try to explain I'm the same dirty hippie I always am.
Adam tells me he has a bit for me, but I need to catch up on my drinking before I hear it.
7:15 - I start out with a Guiness, I'm not staying out too late or drinking too much tonight, might as well savor the flavor.
8 - I'm drinking Yeingling and discussing new inventions in bandaids.
9 - I'm drinking Bud and finally ready for Adam's comedy bit (I'll tell you it when you're older)
10 - I switch to Bud Lite, I'll watch my weight and my purse. I'm talking to a girl my friend is hitting on, turns out she's more into me. I say no thanks, I get blamed for chasing girls away.
11-Tom declares it's a crazy night, we're all going for the long haul, maybe bar hopping?
11:30 - Adam drops out.
12- Renee is coming out, we're staying at the Liar tonight.
1 am - I'm on an E train to Queens, but I fall asleep. I'm woken up by a nice elderly Indian man who asks me if I really want to be at Union Turnpike, I say no but miss the door, as does he, it's his stop. We go to the next stop and get out together for a transfer. His name is Richie. He's in love with me and wants to take me dancing sometime. I give him a fake number and send him on his way.
1:30 - At roosevelt ave a kid gets on, he's got stars in his eyes, literally, star contacts. They match his shirt. He asks me if the train is express, I say I hope not, he hopes it is.
Kid with stars in his eyes wins, and I end up at Queens Plaza.
2 - No trains coming at Queens Plaza, I join an "I hate the MTA discussion" with two other female Queens residents. A subway pulls up, it's an F train. The F isn't supposed to be at Queens Plaza! I tell the conductor this, then ask him where my train is, he said they stopped running trains local, they made an announcement about it two hours ago.
Super!
2:30 - my fellow females from the hood turned out to be trying to get to the same stop I am going to. Safety-in-numbers-Sue asks if they want to split a cab, we go to the street level and split a cab.

Morals of the story -

• This whole "I'm going to save money and stop taking cabs" idea is going to be revoked.
• People in New York are nice, helpful, caring people - not all of them, but I've met more nice than nasty. I think all the nasty ones live on Long Island*

Well, now I'm off to a Sopranos party, expect reactionary blog on that later...


*I am from Long Island so I can mock it as much as I'd like.