More Like Anor-SEXY-a!

I have a wicked evil sense of humor.

I'm a stand-up comic,
on stage I don't necessarily push the envelope,
but I start some shit,
well kinda like little turdlets compared to what others stay on stage.

With my friends though,
I'm a F*&#ing sailor of the high seas of foul language,
and I make fun of everyone
-
but none do I mock more than the anorexic and bulemic.

I always thought:
Anorexic Girls = Lame

I would tell you some of my jokes, but honestly,
they aren't for mixed company.

Seriously, it's easy to joke as a beautiful buxom girl,
about how skinny bitches be stupid.

But now that I can't eat
due to my hital hernia
I'm pretty much anorexic.

I barely eat;
I lived off of 6 saltines with peatnut butter,
and 1/4 of a bagel today.

I didn't really think it was possible to live off of that little.
Or how miserable a lifestyle it is -
because everyone says how great you look,
and you're in total pain inside.

So, um, my bad Paris Hilton and those types.

And for laughing my ass off at this:

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I can't help it, it's still funny.

But I feel for your plight, and I laugh from a place of knowing now, and...
Well I certainly got my come-uppin's

"There's a skinny girl inside me crying to get out...

but I can usually silence the bitch with some thin mints"
~Cara Amore

Saying that I have weight issues is to say that I'm female in today's society.
We all think we're fugly fatties because we have fat on our bodies, it's pretty insane.

I'm what you call a "yo-yoer" my weight fluxuates. The majority of my life I'd say I was chubby, I've carried the belly around, it's been with me when I was thin to when I was a great big fat person

The weird thing about the up and down was, when I was 280lbs., I felt awesome.
I knew I wasn't perfect, but I totally cherished the fact that I was this buxom girl, it fit my laugh, and my love of food, and I wore the nicest clothes of my life.

When I was the slimest I ever was, 125lbs.* , I was going through the worst, most tramatic time in my life. I looked amazing though but I felt like I had no strength to chew I was so miserable.

So now I'm in the middle, of those weights, and I'm just, blah.

Due to the pressure of hot, sexy, anorexic society I feel as though I'm rounder, flubbier, down right tubby sometimes.

But then I think, hey, at least I'm not a hundred pounds heavier.
and also, I'm not that big.

Really, when it comes down to it medically speaking, I am overweight though.

And it's really no surprise, my daily diet consists of take out breakfast, take out lunch and usually a delivery dinner. Everything smothered with cheese, greasey, loaded up with all wasteless food particles completely void of nutrition.

So friends, when I say I'm trying to eat better, or not eat as much shit, and I throw in the "because I'm fat"
please don't tell me I'm not by grabbing your own fat.
Many, many, fuck it, COUNTLESS women have done this to me,
and I'd say 85% of them are in clothing sizes in the very low single digits,
they are grabbing at skin, not fat, and exercise regularly at a gym.

I'm a stand up comedian with a very busy day job, my exercise is running from the office to a club, then back to my apartment. I try to eat healthy but it's like the Gods are against it. People are giving me free drinks and pizza and cake - and who am I to look ungrateful?
So, I stuff my face, and vow:
tomorrow I will eat more veggies.
tomorrow I will add more fiber to my diet
tomorrow I will not have things smothered with cheese, grease, or bacon

and some days I am good,
and some days I am bad.

I try to chalk it up to the fact that I live life on the run
and that I'm usually on a low budget.

So let's hope I do better tomorrow, but if not that I realize that just because I'm not a twig, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful.

And that goes for all you ladies out there as well.

And men, how many sitcoms featuring chubby men married to hot women will it take to make you realize that all you need to do is be nice to us and make us laugh?




* I'm German, Czech, Irish, and Italian, I'm built with big frame, to be strong, like bull