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Sexism in an Elevator

Sexism seems like such an archaic idea to me.

When I was little I was constantly told, "You can be whatever you want to be. You can be a doctor, or a lawyer, or even president."

I recall in nursery school playing with wooden blocks of career-appropriate dressed characters.
There was a woman in a business suit, a man in a business suit, a fireman, and a female police officer.

Oh the political correctness and equality of it all!

It didn't really occur to me that there was such a thing as woman not working, or wearing pants, until I read The American Girl books.
So, being raised in this 'modern' way certain things just baffle the hell out of me. For example, the fact that women are still paid less then men.
And for an even better example...

I'm at an elevator the other day, and two men are already waiting there. The down button has already been pressed, and I have to go up. I walk to the elevator and hit the up button, and smile politely at them. Then this happens:

MAN 1
I would've gotten that for you.

SUE FUNKE
Oh, that's OK.

MAN 1
That's right.
(Turns to man next to MAN2 with complete conviction, voice completely lacking sarcasm.)
Women these days can do everything themselves.
They open doors for themselves, work for themselves.
They don't want a man to help them.

MAN 2
Yep! It's like we're good for just one thing.
(MAN 2 ends statement while looking lewdly.
Elevator arrives.)

SUE FUNKE
Oh, you guys are going down. That's yours!

END SCENE

I then checked my calendar and found out that it was still the year 2010.

Then thought a little bit about whether or not I'd been in any hot tubs recently that could've secretly been time machines....

Then I did the math and realized that women have been working for a living for like over 30 years.

Then came to the conclusion, that yes, I had indeed run into sexual harassment.

The weird thing is, it was the first time I had ever encountered it in an office. I've been doing office work for about 10 years. Seems like a crazy margin for it to happen now.

I'd say I ran into the only man left that's sexist, but that would be a lie. I mean, I perform stand-up, there's still sexism out there - just like there's still racism out there.

This particular form of sexism is just so ridiculously antiquated.
Basically, it felt like I was getting sexually harassed Mad Men style.

...and yes, there was a dorky part of me that was a little excited about that.

Writer's Block

I have the worst grammar and spelling.

Well, I guess it's not the worst. I'm at least aware that it isn't great.

Still, it's shameful that I had to look up whether it was writers block, or writer's block.

Maybe it's my bad grammar that is the root of my writer's block.

I took a break to ponder this possibility, and -

watched 'The Bernie Mac Show", watched 'Malcom in the Middle', watched more 'Bernie Mac Show', got sad about Bernie Mac, tidied up the kitchen, thought about calling my mom, walked over to my computer to get my phone, checked TopTwitsBlog stats, saw a tweet about 'Modern Family', thought about a post I wanted to put on www.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, started writing a blog onwww.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, checked Facebook, and then realized...

It's not my shitty grammar that is blocking me.

I'm still writing and editing through that.

I can write new stand-up jokes

-although, judging from the Treehouse response last week, new ones weren't that great.

I can write copy for Screening Room and Shopping List,

...and obviously, I can write cross promotional material.

My writer's block isn't an inability to write.

My writer's block is literally a bunch of writing projects backed up in my brain.

They are all angry about being dormant in my mind. I keep thinking about them and then think, I'll spend a day writing soon, when I have the time...

But, I'm just not making the time. I'm using my time to go out and play in the nice weather, hang out with friends and do fun stand-up shows.

And those things aren't necessarily bad for me to being doing instead of those writing projects.

I mean, we can't write if we don't experience things to write about, right?

Here's hoping those great ideas for spec scripts and pilots get angsty enough in my brain to manifest on a page.

Chances to See Sue Funke Live

Hey there pals!

I'm going to do some great shows, starting...today.

Check it all out by clicking here: Sue Funke Comedy on Blogspot

and one of the shows this month includes an all new sketch show from

The Ultimate Experts!

New Video!

Recently, I taped a show at Gotham Comedy club.

It was a really fun show and two of my awesome co-workers showed up with their beaus. Thanks to them and all the people who made this video possible.
(Arthur Carlson edited for me - meaning put my name on it and uploaded it to YouTube- big thanks to him for that!)

First Entry of 2009

Here's an idea of how 2009 is going for me:
I just spent an hour writing an entry about how I haven't been able to write due to a recent apartment hunt
- and it was deleted.

Sadly, I don't have time to write the fun update I hoped for.

Here's the slapdash rundown:

-My roommate, Pink, and I are parting ways for a warmer more convenient to work locations.
Our heat hasn't worked in our rail road apartment which has made the place a wine tunnel of freezing misery the past month. The apartment is also 2 and a half avenues away from the train - which in the teen degree cold is getting unbearable to trek home to.

I've been booked on a lot of shows this month so the only blog I've updated was my show schedule -shameless link-plug-, I haven't even had a chance to update I Love TV More Than You either -link to un-updated blog-.

I've been spending my days working a ton at the office job.

My nights were spent apartment hunting in snow, sleet, and freezing temps. This was just about the most miserable time ever, but it ended with a place I think I'll be quite happy in.

There's a lot I could catch you up on:
-The crazy hunt for the apartment stories
-The new man in my life
-The fact that I haven't smoked a cigarette since March 15th

But I have to finish writing a sketch for the next Ultimate Experts show (email TheUltimateExperts@gmail.com for reservations for the February 13th 10pm show) .

It's a Valentine's Day theme, so I'm trying to write a sketch along those lines... and get to bed at decent hour lately so I don't catch the deadly cold that circulates amongst co-workers in my office.

So, I'll leave with this for now:

Saturday, December 13th in the life of Sue Funke: '08 Edition

I'm playing with titles, what do you think?

Anyway, here's the slapdash rundown:

12pm- Brunch with Mr. Welch at a French place in Greenwich Village: Lovely

1pm - Time for leisurely shopping (translation~I can't feel my legs, I really need to buy some tights, a hat, some gloves.) Oh hey here's the store I have $15 credit at, I'll go here...
Oh crap, I can't find the credit : Ugh.

2pm - Call Mama Funke to let her know I'm alive/get laundry/discuss life and comedy with Mara Herron : Busy, busy, busy*

3pm - Meet fellow Ultimate Expert Arthur Carlson on the R to visit pal Joe Powers: Ramblin' on

3:30-5:30pm - Talk to my pals Joe and Art : Bittersweet

6pm -Get the tights you realize you can't continue on without/ Pick up voice recorder, it's a two show night, you should use it! : Chilly

7pm - Watch Lil' Seany Boy Show at Ochi's. It's free and you can get fountain style cherry coke, mmmm. Oh, and it's also got the gang from Don't Touch Me There hosting great comedians. :Hilarious

9pm - Perform on Family hour w/ Auntie Sara at Ochi's. I go up first, tell stories about my brother Mike and his son Chris. It's the first time I've told like 90% of the story I tell on stage. Completely forget to record it. : Boneheaded yet Blissful
(Sure, I missed recording the good story, but at least I know I can tell a good story. It'll come again.)

10pm -Show for a private Jewish High School. Surprisingly great show, cause teacher to fall over laughing with my pathetic singleness stories. :Elated..but still forgot to tape the set!

11pm -Find a bus that takes me from Amsterdam Avenue to Astoria in 15 minutes, reducing travel time allowing to go home and get to bed. : Priceless.

2am - Why, WHY why am i still awake after that long of day?



*This is taken from the Bokonist religion. A fictional religion created by my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, in my favorite book Cat's Cradle.

Stand Up About Quitting Smoking

I have not had a cigarette since May 14th, 2008.

As many loyal reader's know, this is pretty great
because I was pretty freakin' addicted.

Here's a story about why I'm a little dangerous without a cigarette in my mouth...

Stand up from August 2008...

I've been busy!
:p
Enjoy

Me discussing online dating....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUHXt9bCvY4

and more on The Expertz Channel

Do's and Dont's of Comedy

Last night I was reminded of things not to do as a comedian when booked on a show.
I will list them now so we all learn:

-Do Not arrive an hour into the show
-Do Not talk with your friends in the back loudly
-Do Not insist on doing time if the host says the show is tight and might not be able to put you up and offers you a better spot next time.
-Do Not "make fun" of a person in a coma by saying "He's dead." and then turn on the audience of the coma patient's friends when they don't find this amusing
-Do Not blame the host for your poor performance
,
The proper etiquette is:

-Show up on time
-Be a courteous audience member and listen. If you need to talk to a friend, whisper or remove yourself from the venue.
-Listen carefully to what the host says to you regarding the show
-Never turn on the audience
-Don't do jokes about an illnesses unless you can do so in a personal manner. Even then you toe the line of depressing the fuck out of people. The point of comedy is levity, not being a fucking offensive asshole.

It's funny but I learned that even so-called "professionals" have no idea of these basics.
It just goes to show you that common courtesy is just the best way to go in any setting, and if you lack that, you're gonna end up losing.

Still Smoke Free, Still Doing Comedy

Here's some updates with me:

I haven't had a cigarette since May 15th, 2008.
What I've learned so far- I'm a bitch.

Apparently, all of those years of smoking I was inhaling carcinogens and exhaling my bitch.
Now that I'm smoke free, I'm a little bitchy.

To hear about this and more humorous tales from a smoke-free Sue Funke, please visit my comedy schedule because I've got a lot of great comedy shows I'll be on soon in New York City!

I Got Reviewed!!

I was Googling myself this morning, because I've got so much writing and rehersing to do,
that I figured I should probably do something that has nothing to do with either of those things
-and I found out that one of the students that attended the show at Oberlin College wrote up a review of the show.

Click here to read a review of my stand up!

In Case of Zombie Attack, Go to Oberlin, Ohio

I was fortunate enough this weekend to get a gig at Oberlin College in Ohio.
It was a really fun gig, the crowd that showed at the Cat in the Cream* were a good group of students, probably about 40 or 50 of them.

During one of our many random stops on our journey, fellow comedians Dave Minsky, Ben Kissel, and Jack Carter and I ended up in a general store to buy yet more supplies to get us through.

We walked out of the cold into a warm, happy place.

There was candy, and wine, home made baked goods, and refrigerators full of beer lined the back walls.

There were medicines, and a deli, a bunch of yummy teas, and a freezer dedicated to Ben&Jerry and their foreign pal, Haagen-Dazs.

It was pretty much the best place on earth. We all took laps around the place and marveled. (Except for Dave, who had been there before, understood it's wonders and held back watching our stupefied roaming.) Another stroll down the wine aisle revealed that it wasn't just wine in those bottles -
Oh yes my friends, there was liquor.

What does one call such a great sanctuary to all things delicious?

Gibson's Food Mart and Bakery


As I marveled at the fact that I could get everything I've ever wanted in one place, Ben turns to me and says in a low voice, "If there was a zombie attack, we should totally camp out here. The windows are totally easy to cover up and we'd have supplies for months."

Agreed.


I definitely would not go to the one bar in town, La Feve. Though, it would be on my short list of choices.
It's the only bar in town.

Remember how back in the Ol' West there was a saying a "One Horse Town"?
Probably not, it was over a hundred years ago.

Well, Oberlin, Ohio is a one bar town.
...with a college.

So, when the bars close down - you go to the house party.

There were a lot fun, crazy, hippie kids. Some of which even welcomed (i.e. didn't throw us out) us to their house party. It was themed "The Rubik's Cube Party". I'm still not sure what it meant - but I actually looked like I meant to be there in my little red coat.

People were dressed in different solid colors....I guess that's what made it a Rubik's Cube Party? I am still unsure.

Now, you may wonder - Sue, what were you like at the college party?
Well, the same way I was when I was in college and at a college party.
Awkward.
Standing in the corner -
Eavesdropping for good gossip -
Being overly critical of the music selections -
Often looking for more beers to pillage.

I'm glad to be back in New York, in my apartment,
and not in college any more

... I would still like to live in Gibson's though.


*Cat in the Cream is a student run coffee shop/venue that I may or may not have kept referring to as the "Pussy in the Jizz".

More of Sue Funke on YouTube!

Hey pals! I am really excited to announce that my favorite video of my stand up has been posted on YouTube.



The woman who's introducing me is a great pal of mine, Del. She runs a free show every Tuesday at Alibi at 8pm called Comedy for the Fuck of it! It's a great show, if you have the means I highly recommend checking it out.

For more videos of my stand up visit http://youtube.com/thesuefunke or check out my sketch group The Ultimate Experts http://youtube.com/theultimateexperts.

When Comedy Stops Being Funny...

And starts getting real,

Real World Comedy - NYC

At 6:30 I leave work on Friday evening and head into midtown Manhattan to host an open mic. It's in the basement of a Mexican Restaurant, owned by Koreans, that has a Hawaiian theme - "Maui Taco".

For the next five hours I register, and bring up almost 30 comedians to the make-shift stage where they "work out" their material.
They pay $5 for 8 minutes of stage time.
8 minutes might not seem very long to you.
8 minutes is a goddamn lifetime when you're in the basement of a taco joint at nine o'clock on a Friday.

The majority of the room were male comics, and by the luck of the draw they all went up before the females got to go up.
This worked out OK because females are supportive of each other and will actually wait to hear people's sets
- Unlike the testy males who sat on the other side of the room huffy that the regular host was not there.
You change things at an open mic, and you'd think you switched their coffees from regular to decaf the way they become so cranky.

The comics ranged in topics:
Some were one-liners,
Some were story tellers,
There were bi-lingual struggles,
and interpretative movement pieces,
and horrifically racist attempts at humor.

All in all, it turned out that the female comics stuck by my side to the hilarious end
where the funniest comic of the night was Mara Herron regaling us with romantic mishaps.

As I packed up the mic stand, and put away the speakers,
I was exhausted mentally and physically
but so freakin' grateful for the stage time.

See, comics are addicts.
It could be a good or bad batch of comedy,
but we need it,
endure and sacrifice anything to have it.
We need that high of one chuckle spawned from our turn of phrase-
and we can sleep a little bit better at night,
get through that arduous meeting,
sit through a painfully long train ride home,
it's all a little sweeter
just knowing that you got that laugh.

Many thanks to Hector Luis for taking the night off and letting me host the Maui Mic.
The Maui Mic is open Wednesday and Friday nights at 8pm.

For more information on my stand up performances please visit: SueFunkeComedy.blogspot.com

Don't Tell Mom the Daughter is a Heathen

I had a great set at Comix on Friday night.
I performed in front of a terrific audience that was really fun to joke with.
I lucked out really, they were Met fans and people who understand the trials and tribulations of being the non-born-again in the family of born-again Christians.

I do worry though cause my cousin saw my routine and now probably thinks my mom is psychotically religious and that I'm a crazy drug/sex addict.

It's not that I lie in my routines, it's more just hyperbole, comedic hyperbole.
I just hope I can make Mama Funke realize this when she hears my new set. It's not to be taken literally - kinda like the Bible.

Oh, I just can't help myself.

I Like to Stand

A few months back I wrote a blog entitled Work v Stand Up (read/skim to catch up if new here - Oh! and Welcome!)
I am going to work today, and then I am going to perform for at least 100 people.
It's weird, it's like my secret identidy.
By Day - Sue Funke is a diligent yet quirky online editor,
By Night - She's a comedian.

Ok, Wonder Woman totally had it cooler,
but what if I told you I whirled around and then I magically
turned into a stand up comic!

Yeah- No. Sorry, no.

In fact- I even keep my glasses on both day and night. (except when I sleep)

The reason is, no matter what my "day job" is
I am a stand up comedian.

When I told Mama Funke this - she cried. It is sad I guess. It's not an easy life, though I am not looking for sympathy because this is the life I choose.

But I've made my peace in a way with the fact that I am a stand up comedian.
Because now I'm on the cusp of Old Timer still chasing Almost Famous...



(Best episode of Entourage ever - One Day in the Valley)

Friday, October 5th @ Comix -UPDATE

I'm doing a show at Comix on October 5th
and if I am deemed the funniest person of the night
I will get a chance to perform AT THE HBO COMEDY FESTIVAL.

Please come out and support me.
Bring your friends,
your friends' friends,
anyone that you know that is loud and likes Funke.

You can even lie and tell them that it's a funk music show,
and I'll buy them a Parliament Funkadelic album if they didn't like the Comix show,
but they have to vote for me.

Not like you'd lie for me,
but you'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Call 212-524-2500 for reservations.
Check out more comedy dates and a repost of this info on my comedy site.

Quotes from Comix

On September 15th 2007 I performed at Comix Comedy Club in NYC's trendy meat packing district.
It was a really nice place.
I was ridiculously pumped for the show because I was told I would get a good tape out of it. And I desperately need a tape of my new material.

I was actually a little over pumped because when she asked how I wanted to be introduced I blanked.
"Um...I'm all over New York City."

"...Sue, you host a show on the Lower East Side and have performed at all of the major clubs."

"Yeah, that too! Say that."

Her introduction couldn't have been more awesome though, because she said the other stuff and then said, "She has the greatest name you'll ever hear, Sue Funke!"

This worked perfectly with the set I had rehearsed, yet my hands, not so much.
I just shook with excitement, I grasped the mic for comfort. I felt like I was more obvious than Ali (...too soon?)

Apparently though, no one noticed but me.

Here's the feedback from the show:

-"You broke the room open. You were the comic that made the entire room laugh."

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Sue Funke! You are great!

SUE FUNKE
You remembered my name! I don't even know you and you remembered my name; you're awesome!!

-"You've come a long way from the improv shows at the Brokerage. You were amazing tonight."


-"Beautiful and funny!"


I have to say the feedback does have me glowing.
Quick comments though - um all the stuff about my appearance, it's flattering but it's also a byproduct of:
-illness
-throwing up my entire day the night before
-angry work outs (I've been having some stress lately, so I work out angry - kick my own ass)

Also, no one ever commented on my looks after my show when I was chubby.
"Your third chin really glowed up there!"

"You were amazing, you covered the entire stage, and didn't move an inch!"

I know, I know, I should just take the compliment already.

Thanks to everyone who came to the show! The support is appreciated.
Reminder: My Comedy Schedule is located here.