It isn't fair Paris!

Mama Funke quotes on life

"I never promised you a rose garden!"
"Life isn't fair."
"Because I'm the Mom, that's why."

I learned this lesson early.
Then again, I don't have a hotel chain fortune.
See, it's tough for both of us.

With celebrity news the way it is lately
I am sooo glad my mom was "unfair".

I started working young too, Lindsay.
Babysitting at age 11.
And somehow with my busy schedule,
my mom taught me
not to play with knives.

Also, my mom was really always very honest about my body image.
If I looked fat in something, she'd let me know.
Like for example,
I know better than to let my cellulite ridden ass walk around in a thong bikini
See, all these girls being overly exposed in the media isn't fair.
Life isn't really supposed to be.
And apparently, my new hobby is to watch their unfair lives constantly.
Because, these girls are all around my age
and while they have gobs more money than me
their problems are just hilariously fun compared to mine.

And when I step back to look at it, I realize
My life ain't so bad -
at least I have a really good mom.

All photos were taken from The Superficial.com
aka - a site I'm spending waay too much time on.

More Like Anor-SEXY-a!

I have a wicked evil sense of humor.

I'm a stand-up comic,
on stage I don't necessarily push the envelope,
but I start some shit,
well kinda like little turdlets compared to what others stay on stage.

With my friends though,
I'm a F*&#ing sailor of the high seas of foul language,
and I make fun of everyone
-
but none do I mock more than the anorexic and bulemic.

I always thought:
Anorexic Girls = Lame

I would tell you some of my jokes, but honestly,
they aren't for mixed company.

Seriously, it's easy to joke as a beautiful buxom girl,
about how skinny bitches be stupid.

But now that I can't eat
due to my hital hernia
I'm pretty much anorexic.

I barely eat;
I lived off of 6 saltines with peatnut butter,
and 1/4 of a bagel today.

I didn't really think it was possible to live off of that little.
Or how miserable a lifestyle it is -
because everyone says how great you look,
and you're in total pain inside.

So, um, my bad Paris Hilton and those types.

And for laughing my ass off at this:

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I can't help it, it's still funny.

But I feel for your plight, and I laugh from a place of knowing now, and...
Well I certainly got my come-uppin's

When You "Give Up"

There's this album I was obsessed with in 2005,
it's titled "Give Up" and it's by The Postal Service.
Totally emo.
It's amazingly effective at mimicking the process of Giving Up:
being in a rut, breaking up, moving on, and reflection.

It could be my theme album.

See, In my life
I've given up a lot of things, habits, people.
But NEVER Cheese.

So, when the doctor said I'd have to give up eating dairy products*
I of course thought:
Sure I can give up milk, no problem.
but the thing is dairy products include cheese.

Here's the thing folks,
I am not just a cheese loving girl,
I'm all about cheese.

Here's my regularly scheduled menu:
Breakfast
Bagel and cream cheese, maybe scallion, or even lox spread to treat myself
or
Egg and cheese, maybe with ham, or bacon to ease my hang over

Lunch/Dinner (choose any from list below)
Pizza
Chicken Roll w/ garlic knots
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Cheese Burger with Cheese Fries
Burrito with extra cheese, sour cream smothering
Nachos with extra cheese and a cheese Quesadilla, sour cream smothering
Left over chinese food with melted cheese

Can you feel your arteries clog and your cholesterol soar?
I could. It was creepy.

So, I gave up**.
This first cheese free week has been a challenge.

What do you eat when the only food you eat is taken away?
I mean, I rarely eat vegetables that aren't covered in cheese.

This was obviously something I couldn't handle on my own.
I had to whine about it to everyone
at work, at open mics, at the subway station.

"Did I mention I can't eat pizza?" was my catch phrase.
(Take that Paris!)

Because I hate to complain without acting on making it better,
I did a smart thing and went to a nutritionist.

Now watch out people, I'm going to be cooking, eating nuts,
and taking names - of health food stores.

And as for continuing to listen to the Postal Service's "Give Up",
probably not as compulsively as I did in 2005.
I got the giving up process down.
Instead, I keep listening to Rilo Kiely's song "The Absence of God"
but replacing the word God with cheese.

...I'm gonna be ok,
one day.


*I am not lactose intolerant. I do have constant sinus pain due to allergies.
I am extremely prone to getting sinus infections.
At least 2-4 a year that usually last longer than a week, sometimes over a month.
I've had my tonsils removed, and then a doctor told me it might be dairy.
I went to another doctor who gave me shots and then when that wasn't working said it might be dairy.
I then went to a new primary care doctor and was told it might be dairy.
So, I'm accepting my freakish dairy sinus allergy, common in children - which makes sense because I'm so childlike.
I mean, I'm not chubby - it's the baby fat.

**Also, I had to give up on coffee due to the high cholesterol and chest pains.
When you give up smoke breaks it's easy to take up coffee breaks.
Giving up coffee isn't hard when you've got green tea on your side.
Green tea actually makes me feel more caffeinated and alert than coffee ever did.

"There's a skinny girl inside me crying to get out...

but I can usually silence the bitch with some thin mints"
~Cara Amore

Saying that I have weight issues is to say that I'm female in today's society.
We all think we're fugly fatties because we have fat on our bodies, it's pretty insane.

I'm what you call a "yo-yoer" my weight fluxuates. The majority of my life I'd say I was chubby, I've carried the belly around, it's been with me when I was thin to when I was a great big fat person

The weird thing about the up and down was, when I was 280lbs., I felt awesome.
I knew I wasn't perfect, but I totally cherished the fact that I was this buxom girl, it fit my laugh, and my love of food, and I wore the nicest clothes of my life.

When I was the slimest I ever was, 125lbs.* , I was going through the worst, most tramatic time in my life. I looked amazing though but I felt like I had no strength to chew I was so miserable.

So now I'm in the middle, of those weights, and I'm just, blah.

Due to the pressure of hot, sexy, anorexic society I feel as though I'm rounder, flubbier, down right tubby sometimes.

But then I think, hey, at least I'm not a hundred pounds heavier.
and also, I'm not that big.

Really, when it comes down to it medically speaking, I am overweight though.

And it's really no surprise, my daily diet consists of take out breakfast, take out lunch and usually a delivery dinner. Everything smothered with cheese, greasey, loaded up with all wasteless food particles completely void of nutrition.

So friends, when I say I'm trying to eat better, or not eat as much shit, and I throw in the "because I'm fat"
please don't tell me I'm not by grabbing your own fat.
Many, many, fuck it, COUNTLESS women have done this to me,
and I'd say 85% of them are in clothing sizes in the very low single digits,
they are grabbing at skin, not fat, and exercise regularly at a gym.

I'm a stand up comedian with a very busy day job, my exercise is running from the office to a club, then back to my apartment. I try to eat healthy but it's like the Gods are against it. People are giving me free drinks and pizza and cake - and who am I to look ungrateful?
So, I stuff my face, and vow:
tomorrow I will eat more veggies.
tomorrow I will add more fiber to my diet
tomorrow I will not have things smothered with cheese, grease, or bacon

and some days I am good,
and some days I am bad.

I try to chalk it up to the fact that I live life on the run
and that I'm usually on a low budget.

So let's hope I do better tomorrow, but if not that I realize that just because I'm not a twig, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful.

And that goes for all you ladies out there as well.

And men, how many sitcoms featuring chubby men married to hot women will it take to make you realize that all you need to do is be nice to us and make us laugh?




* I'm German, Czech, Irish, and Italian, I'm built with big frame, to be strong, like bull