Drip, drip, drop.. dry.

I love to drink.

In college I got caught with vodka and rum
and I had to go to a meeting on alcohol awareness
(read: dormitory AA)

They had these upbeat counselors who asked all us kids,
"Who here drinks just because they like the taste of alcohol,
not to get drunk?"

Me and the kid who was 25, that got caught buying beer for minors, raised our hands.

I love yummy, fun, tastey alcohol.

But,
my stomach pretty much hates everything I love.

So, my friends,
Jack, Sam, Bud, Yuengling,
my Chardonnay amore
you hurt me too much for me to love you like I do.
I am going to have to take another month off from you.

Adieu
~

Tune in Next Week on
The Sue Funke
to read about my break up with Cingular...if I'm strong enough.

When You "Give Up"

There's this album I was obsessed with in 2005,
it's titled "Give Up" and it's by The Postal Service.
Totally emo.
It's amazingly effective at mimicking the process of Giving Up:
being in a rut, breaking up, moving on, and reflection.

It could be my theme album.

See, In my life
I've given up a lot of things, habits, people.
But NEVER Cheese.

So, when the doctor said I'd have to give up eating dairy products*
I of course thought:
Sure I can give up milk, no problem.
but the thing is dairy products include cheese.

Here's the thing folks,
I am not just a cheese loving girl,
I'm all about cheese.

Here's my regularly scheduled menu:
Breakfast
Bagel and cream cheese, maybe scallion, or even lox spread to treat myself
or
Egg and cheese, maybe with ham, or bacon to ease my hang over

Lunch/Dinner (choose any from list below)
Pizza
Chicken Roll w/ garlic knots
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Cheese Burger with Cheese Fries
Burrito with extra cheese, sour cream smothering
Nachos with extra cheese and a cheese Quesadilla, sour cream smothering
Left over chinese food with melted cheese

Can you feel your arteries clog and your cholesterol soar?
I could. It was creepy.

So, I gave up**.
This first cheese free week has been a challenge.

What do you eat when the only food you eat is taken away?
I mean, I rarely eat vegetables that aren't covered in cheese.

This was obviously something I couldn't handle on my own.
I had to whine about it to everyone
at work, at open mics, at the subway station.

"Did I mention I can't eat pizza?" was my catch phrase.
(Take that Paris!)

Because I hate to complain without acting on making it better,
I did a smart thing and went to a nutritionist.

Now watch out people, I'm going to be cooking, eating nuts,
and taking names - of health food stores.

And as for continuing to listen to the Postal Service's "Give Up",
probably not as compulsively as I did in 2005.
I got the giving up process down.
Instead, I keep listening to Rilo Kiely's song "The Absence of God"
but replacing the word God with cheese.

...I'm gonna be ok,
one day.


*I am not lactose intolerant. I do have constant sinus pain due to allergies.
I am extremely prone to getting sinus infections.
At least 2-4 a year that usually last longer than a week, sometimes over a month.
I've had my tonsils removed, and then a doctor told me it might be dairy.
I went to another doctor who gave me shots and then when that wasn't working said it might be dairy.
I then went to a new primary care doctor and was told it might be dairy.
So, I'm accepting my freakish dairy sinus allergy, common in children - which makes sense because I'm so childlike.
I mean, I'm not chubby - it's the baby fat.

**Also, I had to give up on coffee due to the high cholesterol and chest pains.
When you give up smoke breaks it's easy to take up coffee breaks.
Giving up coffee isn't hard when you've got green tea on your side.
Green tea actually makes me feel more caffeinated and alert than coffee ever did.

I'm a Quitter

I will never smoke another cigarette again.

My last cigarette was midnight, Friday, September 15, 2006.

Don't congratulate me.

It's disgusting how long I've smoked, and how sick I got from it, and my quitting is something people should be indignant about.

I want your response to be, "it's about time you f-tard.", "Smooth move Einstein, you realized cigarettes are killing you. People have only been telling you that since 1981."

I smoked cigarettes off and on for 12 years... and I don't even come from a trailer trash upbringing. I was up to a pack to a pack-and-a-half a day at times the past couple of months.

I couldn't breath on Friday morning - I realized it was time to stop.

I went to buy nicorette to help me get through my show at the Improv Cafe last night,
so I walked into the Duane Reade, got a bottle of water and walk up to the counter:

"I'd like a pack of nicorette."

"That's sold in the pharmacy. The pharmacy is now closed."

My face reflects my crushed spirit.

"The pharmacy will open at 9am tomorrow."

I'm down right nervous now, scanning the gums along the counter trying to find a substitute.

"I can sell you cigarettes instead," she says with no irony in her voice.

REALLY?!

I bought a pack of trident and used her stupidity as my opening bit.

Thanks Duane Reade, you really know how to help a gal out with her health.