Stand Up About Quitting Smoking

I have not had a cigarette since May 14th, 2008.

As many loyal reader's know, this is pretty great
because I was pretty freakin' addicted.

Here's a story about why I'm a little dangerous without a cigarette in my mouth...

Still Smoke Free

I had my last cigarette May 14th. I was cigarette free May 15th.

I just wanted to say, I'm still smoke free.

I'm much more bitchy, I can't sleep, and I've had to go on medication to freaking coupe with the loss of cigarettes.

But I'm smoke-free.

It's all worth it because I climbed the stairs at the Lexington station today and wasn't out of breath, nor did it take me 30 minutes.

Hooray for increased lung capacity!

I also can smell my perfume all day long.

Yay for not smelling like smokes!

I also enjoy sniffing people who have just had cigarette.

Oooh, that's a little creepy.

I'm doing the best I can here people.

Quitting's Easy, I Do it All the Time

So, two weeks ago, as a present for Quel's bday, I quit smoking.

I know, you're thinking, "Wait a minute, didn't you quit already?"
Ummmm.
I got the bed bugs and things were wicked stressful and busy, and cigarettes always make me feel better..
even though somehow they make it really hard for me to breath.
Maybe, it's because I have asthma.

Anywho, I wanted to quit. I was supposed to May 1st, and that came and went.
-But I still really wanted to quit.
-But I still really loved smoking.

The week I decided to quit Lindsay(one half of the brunettes) sent me an article by David Sedaris. Now, here's a man who understands why a woman such as myself would love to smoke. He's quite the fan himself, but if he could quit - so can I.

The last cigarette I had was May 15th, a day chosen for me by Dan Upham.
"Ya gotta pick a random day and just do it. May 15th. You should quit May 15th. That would be a good day," Upham said.

I told Quel this, thinking it was a crazy statement.

"That's the day before my birthday. You can do it as a birthday gift for me!" Quel said.

I was broke, because of the smoking, and couldn't really afford a better gift. So, I decided that was a very good reason to quit.

When I smoked my last cigarette (it was after an Ultimate Experts Meeting) Joe, Art, and Quel all put their hands on me. I am not really sure why, but it was like by having their hands touch me it made it tangible. They were physical witnesses of my very last cigarette.

Week one was tough.
Week two I got really depressed.
Week three I'm now feeling as though I've lost a close friend.

Some people say, it gets easier with time.
But others
those that know me well enough to tell me the truth,
tell me I'll always want one.
The trick is not having one.

"Anytime you want a cigarette, drink milk," Quel says.

Crazy as it seems it's been helping.
I love milk now, who knew?


SIDE NOTE: My sketch group, The Ultimate Experts (Dan Upham, Raquel (Quel) D'Apice, Joe Powers, Arthur Carlson, and me, Sue Funke) are performing on Friday, June 6th at The Producer's Club.
The theme for the show is Game Shows and Weddings. All of the experts will also be sharing their thoughts and theories on D-Day and the following comics are performing: Del, David Greek, Gilad Foss, and Seth Herzog.
Email: TheUltimateExperts@gmail.com for tickets and/or to get on our awesome newsletter list!

Food Shows Make Me Way Too Happy

I am an excellent quitter.

I feel I am able to quit things
because I'm really good at vicariously living.


Like since I've quit smoking, I go out for second hand smoke breaks.
When I miss crack, I just walk down to alphabet city - kidding. I never did crack.

But now that I can't eat many foods,
I'm way into watching food shows.
Like way into it.

I'll even watch that show Hells Kitchen.
Which if you DVR is great for like 10 minutes.
Watch him curse someone off,
then see that hot,
steamy, delicious,
succulent forbidden
food
presented all sprawled out and colorful
on the plate...

Yeah, I'm way into it.

For breakfast today I had half a bowl of apple oatmeal
For lunch today I had a chicken, spinach and fake mozzerella
sandwich with no dressings or condiments
For dinner I had a smoothy

So, you have to get why I'm loving seeing people fry and smother sauces on food.

All plain food and no grease makes Sue watch Food Network in the dark.

I'm a Quitter

I will never smoke another cigarette again.

My last cigarette was midnight, Friday, September 15, 2006.

Don't congratulate me.

It's disgusting how long I've smoked, and how sick I got from it, and my quitting is something people should be indignant about.

I want your response to be, "it's about time you f-tard.", "Smooth move Einstein, you realized cigarettes are killing you. People have only been telling you that since 1981."

I smoked cigarettes off and on for 12 years... and I don't even come from a trailer trash upbringing. I was up to a pack to a pack-and-a-half a day at times the past couple of months.

I couldn't breath on Friday morning - I realized it was time to stop.

I went to buy nicorette to help me get through my show at the Improv Cafe last night,
so I walked into the Duane Reade, got a bottle of water and walk up to the counter:

"I'd like a pack of nicorette."

"That's sold in the pharmacy. The pharmacy is now closed."

My face reflects my crushed spirit.

"The pharmacy will open at 9am tomorrow."

I'm down right nervous now, scanning the gums along the counter trying to find a substitute.

"I can sell you cigarettes instead," she says with no irony in her voice.

REALLY?!

I bought a pack of trident and used her stupidity as my opening bit.

Thanks Duane Reade, you really know how to help a gal out with her health.