Come on Everybody We've Got Quiltin' to Do!

So I'm sick, shocking I'm sure.

Today's illness is a sinus infection. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't unclog my ear on Saturday, but hoped that it would all go away if I was really super careful and relaxed on Sunday. When I couldn't sleep on Sunday cause I couldn't breathe I knew I had to call out sick, rest, and get to my doctor's office.

I can't just take over the counter medicines. I'm sure advil cold and sinus wouldn't kill me, but I have like four bottles of prescription pills that have labels that read "CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE TAKING OTC MEDICATIONS." "THIS MEDICINE CAN REACT POORLY WITH OTC MEDICINES." Seeing as I've already self destructed once this year, I hopped the R to my medical suite.

There was my tall, thin, mouse of a man doctor with his copy of the Post tucked securely under his arm, waving me in to the exam room. I list all my symptoms:
-Ear ache
-Sinus Congestion
-Cough with mucus
-Head ache
-Fatigue
He nods along with all of them and then I say,
"Oh and I had some stomach trouble this morning, but -"

He then tells me it might be an STD.
I'm shocked, completely taken aback.
Um, excuse me sir, but I think that's actually impossible because I'm not sexually active.

He doesn't acknowledge my confession but says, "I'll give you the Z Pack that covers all of it."

And I sit there wondering...
OK. So, I know God works in mysterious ways, and I was taught all about the miraculous conception. But does God hate me so much as to punish my chastity and give me miraculous STDS?!?!

I just couldn't believe it, so I tell the doctor, "I didn't take my stomach medication Friday and Saturday. Could that have caused the stomach irritation?"

He doesn't look up at me, but just flips through my chart and nods slowly as he reads it all.
"...Ahh yes, you've got IBS, gotta take those meds steady or else you'll get flair ups.
When did you get that cough again?"

I openly confess, "I started smoking frequently last week and it came from that."

"Well then, stay away from the cigarettes. I know it's tough, but your sinuses can't take it, that's what gave you that infection."

"So, I don't have an STD."

"Did you think you did?"

"You said I might. I believe it's impossible."

"It's just a sinus infection, but I'll give you the Z Pack just in case..."

As soon as I got off the subway I contacted a close pal of mine and vented my jarring experience. He told me I was just suffering from Catholic guilt, it was impossible for God to give miraculous STDS, and that I shouldn't ever smoke again. He also informed me that like you see on the show House, M.D. most people lie. It's a reflex for doctor's to assume so and that I shouldn't take it too personally.

The moral of the story: God doesn't hate me nearly as much as I feared, and I should never smoke a cigarette again because sinus infections can be scary.

All this made me think of one of my favorite parts of Team America, so please take a moment to enjoy the following ballad from LEASE:

We Make Plans, God Laughs

There's a magnet on my mother's refrigerator that says that.
I'm house sitting/recovering here.

So, I wake up in the morning,
walk slowly down the stairs,
across the cool kitchen floor,
get some nice apple juice and apple sauce out of the fridge for breakfast,
and that sign is like a little magnetic slap to the face from God.
God taunts me because I make fun of him publicly.

This blog could also be titled: "The Nightmare Never Ends"

I had a cyst rupture, but then I was still sick last week.
So I had to go to another doctor, then back to the hospital.

I've been to the hospital twice for abdominal pain.
Both times they released me with papers that read

YOUR EXAM HAS NOT REVEALED THE CAUSE OF YOUR ABDOMINAL PAIN.

Like it's my fault that I can't sit up without feeling like my insides are collapsing
MY exam didn't tell them what's wrong.

Finally, two specialists (gastroenterologists) took a guess,
"Your intestines are in spasm due to a viral bug you picked up.
The bug was minor, but the aftermath is messing you up.
Two months eat a bland diet
Take these pills
and no pain meds.
...we need to see you in a week to see how you're progressing."

Well now I'm just in a constant dull pain.
When I eat I either feel nauseous, or the food grinding through my body.
I don't eat much.

I'm trying to convince myself this is just my diet to get on the next cycle of
America's Next Top Model.

My entire chubby belly hurts with just the slightest pressure applied to it.
It's really hard to sleep.
There's no real comfy place, more like a position of tolerable pain.

At night it takes me a while to drift to sleep
Twice during this ordeal i laid in a bed
and drifted
in and out of moments of this medical mayhem
and then I wake up and realize
Nope, this isn't a nightmare.
This is really happening.

I am able to sit up for a couple of hours at a time now.
So, at least I can get some work done.

I haven't done any stand up.
I haven't even been out of the house much.

I have watched a lot of television though,
and I will get better.

Just as soon as we know for sure what's wrong.
And I finally get my strength back.

I hope to be back to NYC soon,
but for now,
I am not making any plans.

There's a certain place in hell...

I think a lot about hell.

There was a year long period where I was told I was going to hell,
repetitively.

It happens when you're not the religious type,
and you are related to/living with born again Christians.

I found some comfort in the retort, "At least I'll be amongst friends".

Like another wise Long Islander once sang,
"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with saints,
the sinners are much more fun..."

But an article my sister sent me made me think different,
and laugh a lot on the subway.

Maybe I won't get to be with my friends in hell.
Maybe there are different sections
and we're split up based on severity.

I'm hoping my section will be with the people
who used the lord's name in vain a million and six times,
or at least get that joke.

I know hell isn't supposed to be fun and games.
It's torture and brimstone.

But some people are into that, right?
So, part of me thinks hell is a place where it's all the things you hate.
Like mine would be radio DJ's doing banter all day long while I watched local news reports.

I get a pains just thinking about it.

But what has me thinking about hell these days?

OJ Simpson and his interview
about if he had killed his wife and her lover, how he did it.

I really hope we don't share the same space in hell.
Because, by my accounts he should be getting the worse torture hell has to offer.

And whoever buys his book has another section of hell
where they have to listen to Bill O'Reilly read his sex book*.

Oh, and his publisher.
This marketing whiz needs to be brought down.

Seriously, someone stop them, please.

They're ruining hell for the rest of us.


*They have to listen to it, not read it. See, they played an excerpt of O'Reilly himself reading it aloud for the book-on-tape version once on Al Franken's radio show. I had to turn it off immediately, pull over to the side of the road, and dry heave. I WISH I was kidding.