Makin' Memes, Makin' Money

I'm spending most of my days and nights watching TV, taking screenshots of shows I'm watching, making those shots into memes - and then tweeting and Facbooking about those shows and memes. I do all of this for money, which is unfreakin' believable. Seriously, my mom doesn't even believe me. I call her and when I tell her what I do for a living she replies, "Susie-Q, are you sure that's what they are paying you to do? I mean, are you supposed to be watching all that TV?"
Yes, and it. is. glorious. Thank you TV Land!
Since my life is less about going out on the town lately, I figured I'd continue the blogging hiatus and take my musings to Tumblr aptly named, The Sue Funke Tumblr.

It Costs a lot of Money to Drive a MAC Truck

So, today in the spirit of doing what I've always wanted to do, I looked up how much MAC truck driving lessons would set me back.

It would cost almost $1,000 to get a permit, classes, driving time, and a license.

That would also get me job placement, which is like - woah, if I actually do this, would I take a job driving?

I've always just kind of wondered how it would feel to be behind the wheel of a big rig, but I am not sure if I can go the long haul --literally.

Also, if you get a MAC truck license, that's not the same thing as a bus driving license. I'd have to get a completely different license and spend about $900 for that.

I know the old adage of it takes money to make money, but dang son! That is some serious cheddar. Of course, I could always start a kickstarter account to see if people would like to pay to watch all 5'3" of me do a big haul across the country - but the question I'm asking myself now is - am I really willing to take that bet?

Looks like this is one to grow on.

Do What You've Been Meaning to Do...

When you get laid off there's a sentiment that goes around that's basically,

"This is your time! Do what you've never had the chance to do because of that pesky job!"

And gosh darn it, I figured I might as well.

So, this week I've merchandised Funke Industries.

Am I an ego maniac? Not really. Do I have an ego about my cool last name? A bit.

But there are certain t-shirts I've just always wanted to see made.

For example: Golf Shirt Funke Industries

There aren't enough shirts with unique profanities on them. I want this to change-- and I am that change!

The next thing I set out to conquer, the empty blue canvas that has been in my apartment for almost a year now waiting to become a painting of the Skyline. I kept lamenting that I still hadn't found the right section of the skyline, or the right color scheme.

Today, I just sat down for about 6 hours and did this

It's not done. There is a lot there I gotta clean up and fix -- but hey it's a start.

Other things I've been meaning to do:

1. Get a commercial license so I can fulfill my life long dream of driving a MAC truck (Not at all kidding about that)

2. Eat/ Write at every restaurant on this one street in the village that is absolutely beautiful and quaint. (This is my NYC tourist thing I want to do)

3. Make some kick ass gluten-free baked goods (I enjoy a challenge)

4. Run in Central Park

5. Finally go to PS1

6. Work on a television show-- preferably as a writer in a room of funny people discussing humor, writing, syntax and words.

...Ya know, just your run of the mill list of things we all wish we could do if we had the time.

I'm Not Good at Not Working

I got laid off two weeks ago. In that time I've:

1. Reorganized my apartment
2. Had 2 job interviews
3. Collaborated on a new TV show to pitch to networks
4. Taken meetings to discuss 3 different viable business ventures
5. Never slept past 10am
6. Reorganized my iTunes
7. Made plans to visit my sister this weekend
8. Gone on 2 auditions
9. Ran a successful comedy show out of a gym
10. Not really relaxed, partially because when I do there's a voice screaming in my head YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE!

I met with some former colleagues last night. They had all moved on from the company that laid me off. I appreciated their outrage and sympathies, but the funniest part of the night was their simple demand:

"Take the rest of the week off."

I took in their demand but had no idea how to process it. What do you mean not work? I made them list the things I can and can't do:

1. No full-time job hunting
2. You can work on comedy stuff
3. You can handle anything time sensitive
4. You have to relax

I told my sister about these orders and she paused for a minute and then said, "Your relaxation is most people's slow day at work, so you shouldn't be as nervous as you sound."

When did I become this dork that wants homework over the holiday?

Well, perhaps it all started when I was 11. That was when I went out and got my first job. I showed my father my business proposal. It was a piece of construction paper with a baby drawn on it stating that I could be a mother's helper, my fee was $5 an hour for watching the older of two boys that lived across the street from me so the mother could handle her newborn. My father deemed it a solid plan and let me leave it in their mail box.

That contract got me years of lucrative baby sitting work, until I was legally allowed to work. Then, it was bagging groceries, answering phones, working at Starbucks...

and then the job I just got laid off from.

And even during that job I had jobs. I was always working on freelance or comedy.

OK, mostly comedy, at night. There was a point where I would do 10 stand-up shows a week and work 8 hours 5 days a week.

This is why my friends want me to relax.

So, I'm relaxing. See? I'm just up early, writing a blog... relaxing.

The Layoff Mix

After 8 years at my job, my position was eliminated. It was a shock, but looking back it probably shouldn’t have been.

The first thing I did after I found out was throw-up. I I know, I know, it’s so trite. Like, could I be any more Sartre?

Then, I made a mix on my iPhone to help me prepare for walking out my door.

I’m a big fan of music mixes, because I like to have a soundtrack wherever I go that will capture the mood I want to portray.

So, for example, before a big comedy show I have “Get Ready” which is a bunch of cocky rap mixes and up-beat dance songs that I find impossible not to get pumped up listening to.

When I want to stomp around the city like I own the place I have a mix called “Fierce Bitches” which is all music by females about being fucking awesome.

The layoff mix is entitled “WTF”, because that was the best I could come up with in that moment. Looking at these songs though I think it captures my moods better than me being super sappy and writing on and on about the blow-by-blow of the day. And, because I want to be hip like Pitch Fork, here are the youtube videos I found so you can recreate my list at home.

1. The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley

Beautiful by Carol King

2.

3. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga

4. Black Cadillacs by Modest Mouse

5. Bloody Murder by Cursive

6. Nosebleed by Illinois (aka the Brick dance http://youtu.be/qtlElBLg354)

7. Not About Love by Fiona Apple

8. Nothing Better by The Postal Service

9. NYC by Interpol

10. Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

11. Selfless, Cold and Composed by Ben Folds Five

12. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and the Wailers

13. Where Would I Be? By Cake

14. Let Me Go by Cake

15. Walk On By by Cake

16. It’s Too Late by Carol King

17. Will You Love Me Tomorrow by Carol King

18. Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five

I feel like this song lists begs the question. Did I get laid off from a job, or dumped from a bad relationship?

There’s mourning, optimism, bitterness, disbelief, anger, acceptance and just a little bit of dance party all up in this list.

And that's the best way to describe being laid-off right now.

Sue Funke - The Resume

COMEDIC EXPERIENCE

Stand-up Comedy 2003 - Present
New York, NY

Host

• The Greenwich Avenue Treehouse Bar Weekly Open Mic (2007-2010)
• Convergence and The Ultimate Experts Presents monthly shows at Ochi’s Lounge (2008-2010)
  

Clubs

• Comix, Caroline’s on Broadway, Comic Strip, Broadway Comedy Club, The Laugh Lounge, New York Comedy Club, Brokerage Comedy Club

Opened for

• Kevin Hart, Darrell Hammond

http://youtube.com/TheSueFunke for clips

Sketch Comedy 2006 - Present
New York, NY

Founder, Writer Performer - The Ultimate Experts

• Resident sketch group of The Producers Club (2007- 2009)
• Over 100 original sketches written and performed
  

http://youtube.com/TheExpertz for clips

Top Twits Blog 2009 - Present
New York, NY

Founder, Writer/Editor
• Follow and post/comment on the best tweets from popular celebrity twitter accounts

http://TopTwitsBlog.com

EDUCATION

Hofstra University, 2004
Bachelor of Arts: Creative Writing/English Literature

Media Bistro, 2010
Copy Editing Training


PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

The New York Times: About.com 2003 – Present
New York, NY
Ecommerce Editor
2007 - Present

• Created and write two weekly newsletters, The Shopping List and The Screening Room, which gained thousands of readers in less than a year based on network and Twitter promotions.
• Review freelance writers’ product reviews and ecommerce link placements to help enhance earnings while maintaining ethical standards.
• Mentor writers on how to create search engine optimized content.
• Develop editorial content specials based on themes produced by clients and using network content.
• Work with production team to develop innovative advertorial units for specific clients within industry and network standards.
  

Guide Coordinator
2006 - 2007

• Wrote internal communications on company standards, practices, and updates for freelance writers.
• Coordinated events and staff meetings in New York City, San Francisco, Chicago, and Atlanta within a strict budget.
• Prepared payroll for finance department by collecting from third parties and ensuring all calculations on pay period were correct for new and terminated freelance writers.
  

Client Services Account Coordinator
2004 - 2006

• Assisted in selecting the best content sites with greatest inventory availability that would meet client needs and assure campaign delivery.
• Created an internal database on how to best serve client inventory management and backend operations of the client services department.
• Managed incoming sales leads by delegating them to appropriate sales people
  

Research Assistant
2003 - 2004

• Worked with Neilson Ratings systems to create compelling slides for sales staff on comparative standings.

Sanky Communications 2007 - 2008
Copywriter New York, NY

• Wrote copy for non-profit organizations including: Covenant House, World Hunger Day and others.
• Conducted interviews for clients including the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation.
  

Email inquiries using the mail icon below.

Writer's Block

I have the worst grammar and spelling.

Well, I guess it's not the worst. I'm at least aware that it isn't great.

Still, it's shameful that I had to look up whether it was writers block, or writer's block.

Maybe it's my bad grammar that is the root of my writer's block.

I took a break to ponder this possibility, and -

watched 'The Bernie Mac Show", watched 'Malcom in the Middle', watched more 'Bernie Mac Show', got sad about Bernie Mac, tidied up the kitchen, thought about calling my mom, walked over to my computer to get my phone, checked TopTwitsBlog stats, saw a tweet about 'Modern Family', thought about a post I wanted to put on www.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, started writing a blog onwww.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, checked Facebook, and then realized...

It's not my shitty grammar that is blocking me.

I'm still writing and editing through that.

I can write new stand-up jokes

-although, judging from the Treehouse response last week, new ones weren't that great.

I can write copy for Screening Room and Shopping List,

...and obviously, I can write cross promotional material.

My writer's block isn't an inability to write.

My writer's block is literally a bunch of writing projects backed up in my brain.

They are all angry about being dormant in my mind. I keep thinking about them and then think, I'll spend a day writing soon, when I have the time...

But, I'm just not making the time. I'm using my time to go out and play in the nice weather, hang out with friends and do fun stand-up shows.

And those things aren't necessarily bad for me to being doing instead of those writing projects.

I mean, we can't write if we don't experience things to write about, right?

Here's hoping those great ideas for spec scripts and pilots get angsty enough in my brain to manifest on a page.

The Problem With Twitter

The problem with Twitter is that I now think thoughts in 140 characters.

And I'm not sure if that line was 140 or not,
but if there was a counter under it
and it was over 140 characters
I would edit it down to the bare sentiment.

That's a sad thing.
No luxuriously beautiful, superfluous adjectives.
Just Joe Fridays from here on out;
The facts and nothing but the brief facts.

I run 4 twitter accounts.
That's 4 outlets of 140 character thoughts that I update each on average about 2 times a day.
12 times a day, 140 character thoughts.

There's my personal/comedian twitter - @thesuefunke
This is where I talk about what's going on in my life.
Spew out 140 characters of a witty observation.

It's my mini "The Sue Funke" me.

On my @thesuefunke account I keep my friends. These are mostly people who if I ran into on the street I would know and say hello to, possibly even embrace because I can be "a hugger" sometimes.

Why is it that I'm holding out on my pals? Why am I limiting our exchanges to 140 letters?
Well, if I have something I really want to say that's longer - I will just update my facebook status to let everyone know.

Why don't I just call my friends?
I don't have time to call them. I'll just text them.
There - in 160 letters I've said how I truly feel, kinda...with even more horrible spelling and grammar.

I miss my grammar skills.

I used to be so adept at grammar that I would diagram sentences for fun, because I was so good at it.

I would sit back and be pleased with myself for understanding where the clauses were.
I knew the proper places for punctuation.

Now, I am constantly catching myself making the simplest grammar errors.
Ones that if I saw my friends do in my Great Grammar Glory Days
I would've scoffed at
and made fun of others for making.

My mind pushed these facts out so I could learn new, faster ways to communicate.

My second twitter feed was meant to promote my second blog - http://ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com (@ILuvTVMoreThanU)

But instead, it's me just "re-tweeting" other people's updates about all the cool TV stuff I'm finding out.
I'm pushing out more words, more grammar lessons.
And I feel the need to tell everyone about it in a 140 character story...

I digress
-Thanks to the old fashion form of bloggery I write upon right now.

I have stopped updating my long form blogs lately, and have shifted my focus on clever tweets.
Which, as a busy person,
who is a little self centered, and wants to share it
is a wonderful thing.

Then, I got two more twitter accounts for the newsletters I'm writing at work
((PLUG!
click on or copy http://talk.about.com/
and sign up for The Shopping List and Screening Room))

So, I spend part of my day updating @Shopping_List
and @Screening_Room
and now it's all 140 bits
and pieces
and fragments
of thoughts, that somehow I feel need to be publicized.

It's so simple to get into the mundane tweeting practice.
To want to tell people where you are and what you're doing.
If it's somehow funny, even better.
If there's a good link - everyone should know!

And I feel my brain capacity shifting.
It's shifting away from full conversations.
I find myself not able to say the entire word totally.
"Totes!"
It's not only more efficient, but adorable...or adorbs! even.

So, maybe it's not Twitter's fault.
Maybe it's just time.
We don't have enough time to do all we want/need so we feel the need to abbreviate life.
I'd expound upon this more,
but really

I've used far too many characters already.

On the Subject of Style

People often ask me the same question, “Why are you so dressed up?”

I usually respond, “No reason.”

But really, there are a lot of reasons and I just don’t want to bore you in passing conversation.

No, I’ll save that for my blog.

So here is a list of reasons why I am “So dressed up”:

1. Look Cute Every Day – My great pal, Erica Watson told me about two years ago that her resolution was to not leave the house unless she looked cute.
My immediate response was, “but that’s really hard. Some mornings I just don’t care.” This is why, Erica explained, we needed to go shopping in the jewelry district.

That’s when Erica took me to a magical place in midtown where I bought all the cute jewelry you see in stores, but they were all about $1 - $5 apiece. From this point on, I just threw on a piece of jewelry to a bland outfit and looked like I cared a heck of lot more about every outfit.

2. Dress for the Job You Want – After about two years of working at an internet company the “Awesome! I can wear jeans and a band t-shirt every day!” wears off.

Going from office every day to comedy every night I needed something that looked like I was an editor, but also someone you wouldn’t take too seriously.
Enter: bright colored dresses.

3. I have mild IBS and other stomach issues – Here’s the sexy part boys, my stomach condition causes my tummy to over extend at times after eating. It’s kind of painful to wear jeans, and wearing elastic jeans means you’ve either gotten pregnant or given up at loving yourself (in some lady's cases, both!) So, I figured dresses would be the cutest way to go.

4. Funke Style– This is what I also like to call “Compulsive Color Matching”.

I believe I get this from my father who was obsessed with having matching outfits and was very proud of his loud colored spring pink blazer which matched his salmon pants. While I like to believe I’m not as ridiculous about it as him, I do have a need for my clothing to match and found it easier to do so using dresses and skirts rather than pants and shirts.

It’s weird, I know this. I never promised you a normal. I mean, come on, it’s Funke style.

5. No One Notices the Bitchy Mood of the Cute Girl – This is a trick I learned when I was working at Starbucks. On days when I was mad, I’d put my hair up in pigtails and be as bitchy as I wanted, and customers would remark how funny or “cute” I was. It was then I realized that if you felt like shit, were in a bad mood, or just hated everything a particular day – all you have to do is put on some make up, brush your hair, and put on a pretty dress and suddenly everyone finds you pleasant as you tell them to piss off.

So, that is why you may see me dressed to the 9’s on a Monday morning at work, or at a Wednesday night comedy show, or on a Saturday morning at McDonald’s. I have my reasons for looking really nice, and there probably not ones you’d expect, so that’s why I’m typically answering “no reason”. But really, I guess I should be answering, “neurotic, weird reasons.”

Vegas "Vacation", Part 5 - Last Night in Town...

And now the thrill conclusion, of

Sue Funke's Vegas "Vacation"

On Sunday I woke up hung over and unable to sleep. I got up, drank the Vitamin Water I procured for a measily $3(!) from the vending machine at 5:30 am, and proceeded to haphazardly fumble through my room packing my possesions.

Around 10:30ish I walked to Gina's room, which was now my room as well. The work part of our vacation was completely over. We're paying for this night's stay. We have the day to do whatever we want in Las Vegas.

We walk to the pool. Gina in her oversized glasses. Me with the glasses I got from Duane Reade one night because I thought they were super cool, only to go home and find they were High School Musical 2 brand sunglasses. Apparently my style is in the same target demographic as my niece, and I'm getting off subject...

En route to poolside we receive a message from our fellow co-workers Madeleine and Elana. They're up, and they've got confirmation - we can get tickets to see The Beatles LOVE Cirque-de-Soleil for a great discount.

We change route and meet them at the concierge desk where we quickly purchase the last 5 discounted seats - the extra ticket for co-worker Dennis.

That night walking into the show I'm bouncing. Already I'm wide eyed and feel happiness head-to-toe like a 5 year old about to get birthday cake.

The show did not disappoint.

Ok, so you really have to see it to get it, I'll never do it justice but here are my highlights
(Note: I was not under the influence of anything at the time of viewing this show, scout's honor, cross my heart, etc.)

-They play the song Octopus's Garden and the entire theater begins to feel as though you really are underwater floating with an octopus in his garden, in the shade.

-For Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds there are strands of lights lowered which flicker along to the beat of the song - sparkling as if they're diamonds scattered across the sky.

-The benefit of Mr. Kite was acted out in a manner that was amazingly fitting to the spectacle put forth in the song's lyrics.

-At the end, I teared up seeing the images of the Beatles flashed upon the large scrims.

After this purely magical experience, we went to Ceaser's Palace with another fellow co-worker (we all seriously do get along quite well) LL and her boyfriend Andrew. There we ate a lovely Italian meal under a faux sky by the Fountain of the Gods.
There was even a fake sunset.

After dinner we walked over to the Belagio to see the beautiful glass ceiling installation we had heard a lot about.
In order to get to the Lobby though we had to cross, you guesses it - a GIANT casino.
At the point I was surpassing sensory overload and was about to go into total bitch face if I had to stand by one more machine flashing lights at me. I had enough. I wanted to see art.

I walked off towards the lobby with the agreement that we'd all loop back there in twenty minutes. As I was crossing through I saw signs for many things, but the one that seemed like utopia calling to me was the art gallery they had on premises. There were signs boasting modern art from artists I genuinely enjoy and walked even faster through in hopes that in this city that really doesn't sleep, the art would be open late.
Sadly, it closes at 10pm, not 12:30am as I was hoping as I stood by the ropes at 12:15.

I walked to the lobby and to this fall installation walk-through. It was anti-climatic, but better than a casino.
Then, I heard the song Piano Man, and looked over to see a piano bar with an actual piano man singing the song. It was an ironic sight for my Long Island eyes to see, but felt like a little piece of home was in Vegas at that moment.

Not too long after that Gina and Dennis came to the lobby to inform me that everyone had caught gambling fever, but Gina. So, my roomie, Miss Gina, and I walked along the Belagio lake (sans fountains which end at midnight on Sundays) and over towards our hotel when we ran into what can only be summed up as the completion of my Vegas experience -

BOTH a Marilyn Monroe AND an Elvis Presley impersonators. Gina took my photo with them, which they promptly asked to get tipped for, they also then wanted to chit-chat with us, which got a little tiresome cause we were both exhausted and didn't really intend to spend the rest of our night discussing the weather in New York.

We truthfully just wanted to sleep, because the night couldn't have been any better than if we had asked for the best. As we prepared to crash in our seperate cloud-like queen beds Gina turned to me and said - the biggest loss of this trip is if we didn'tt spent our money the way we did that night.

Sure, I had to make every meal ahead of time for the week with every spare second I had this weekend. But all that money spent is worth the wonderful time I had.

Would I go back to Vegas?
I hope never to have to again.

I did all I needed to do there, thank you very much.

Vegas "Vacation", Part 1 - The 501st Choice

I'm in Vegas this weekend for a conference for work.
I love going to these work conferences. It's fun to see new cities and meet the writers I often only ecommunicate with.
But if you were to ask me to name 500 places I'd want to go visit, Vegas wouldn't be on the list. There's something about it that seemed to me to be like Midtown on crack.

I tried to get into the spirit though. Before the trip I took lessons on blackjack from one the writer's, and I booked a ticket on the "fun, sexy airline" Virgin.

But as soon as I landed here this afternoon, I wanted to turn around and go back to New York.

Maybe it was because the cab line was longer than that of JFK and it was go see fake New York that irked me. We drove along highways that advertised shows with inflated prices, hotels that all seem so excessive, and then we get to our hotel, The Mirage.

It's lovely here, but there are so many tourists, and they all walk sooo slooow.
The food is more over priced, except Orbit gum seems to be the same price, which is good.

I should also mention I don't really gamble. So the slot machines just kinda serve as a walk through headache.

In hopes of easing my misanthropic angst co-worker Dennis and I went to lunch at BLT, an amazing burger place in the Mirage. The burger was delicious, as was the beer we got in hopes of mellowing me. Now I just kinda feel like a bloated misanthrope.

Maybe I'm just over tired.
Whatever it is, I have to turn this frown upside down and find some good in this town. Cause I'm here until Monday and my goal is to have as much fun as possible.
I guess it's time to order that whore, or make nice to a business traveler.
(thanks for the advice Willy B)

I think I'll just settle for doing what I love doing when I travel. Watching local news on a comfy bed.

Break Down, Go Ahead, Give in.....

About a month ago I woke up with bites on my hands, arms, and legs.
Bites from a bug,
a bed bug.

We haven't been able to find them.
We've exterminated, but we don't know how they came.

I have recently spent some time at the Union Square Station,
apparently that might be the culprit.

It's quite an ordeal to have bed bugs.
All your clothing goes into bags, you lose a lot of sleep, spend a lot of money, have to move your cats to your friends place, juggle work and dropping everything you own at the laundrymat, you sleep on friends couches because the stench of the spray is awful, and when you come home you have to sleep on the floor using a trash bag as a pillow.

Yes, you go through a lot of hardship, but you (if you're me) keep telling yourself - I can do this. This will all be over soon. I'm gonna be fine, I just have to get through this.

But when it's all over and your life is finally starting to come back- You're not buying the only dress you sorta like and throwing it on in the bathroom because that's the only place you feel safe. No, you've got your clothing arranged by color and type and even bought a nice set of plastic drawers for your underwear because you went two weeks only able to find the most uncomfortable pairs and you never want to do that again. -The last thing you want is to wake up with bites.

So, on Wednesday morning, when I woke up with three bites on my arm -
I lost it.

I fell to my knees and cried. I screamed. I paced the railroad apartment not knowing what to do. Where to go, no where was safe. I cried some more. I screamed.
I got dressed and went to work.

My co-workers are actually quite familiar with my struggle, so it was really the best place for me to go. My pal Caryn Solly is a bit of a bed bug expert. Urban has also suffered the wrath of the tiny suckers. Both of them listened and sympathized with my breakdown.

"It's inevitable. Bed bugs will make you crazy," Urban offered.

Caryn held me as I sat in an office and just sobbed.

We all worked together with the exterminator to come up with a solution. I'd change my sheets, get another new bed cover, and wait.

Now, I know a lot of people will say, "Throw out your mattress!"
Yeah, um no.

They have never been spotted on the mattress. To throw out that mattress would be just fiscally ridiculous. Also, the covers should help.

Anyway, after this wonderful break down I went on auto pilot. I used the reserve brains. This was apparent to anyone who was at the New York Comedy Club on Thursday, where I bombed on stage. I was basically me from 5 years ago on stage. Uncertain of time and myself. It wasn't cause I was on stage or supposed to be funny or nerves. It was because I'm in the shit people.

I'm coming out of it, but once your in the shit fog, all you've got are the reserves. You've got basics. Sure, you know how to get to work, hold superficial conversations, you can even manage to squeak out some decent emails. But come on, you're not really there, you're thinking "Ugggggh I don't even have bed to look forward to."

Hopefully I'll be back to the real Sue Funke soon, I'll talk to people and really be thinking about the conversation, and actually focus on work and stand up ....and I'll also hopefully be back to blogging on The Sue Funke soon as well.

But for now, I'm just trying to emerge from this, forgive the inevitable pun, funk.

I'm Ready for My Sandwich Board

The following was taken from my Gatting session(Instant Messaging on GChat) with Ann today:

ME: What up?

ANN: trying to find new advertising ideas

ME: For?

ANN: My clinic
(Ann works for a mental clinic that tries new drugs on patients)

ME: How about:Are you eating nuts and thinking, man these are just like me?
well you're crazy, come on down to Ann's clinic!
or
"Did you crack an egg and cry cause it signifies your plight?...Time to get on down to Ann's Clinic"

ANN: Yes , good idea. I'll give you some fliers and a sandwich board and stick you on the corner.

ME: Come on, those idea are golden.

ANN: You can be a living ad.

ME: Hey... i'm not crazy,
but i could act like it for money.

ANN: No, i meant with the sandwich board!
and saying your lines!

ME:Oh, I was looking for more interpretive work, but sandwich boards sound delicious.

Best Birthday Ever

Or, Week Off Day #3
If you have the means, I highly recommend taking the week of your birthday off.
My birthday was wonderful thanks to my amazing friends, and my great family.

I went to lunch at La Bonne Soupe which is absolutely amazing. If you're a foodie, or a lover of good restaurants get your butt to this quiet corner in midtown. Don't get me wrong, the place is hopping and you'll pretty much always wait for a seat - but it's totally worth it:

For about $17 bucks you can get the town's best French Onion Soup, Bread, Side Salad (It's really fresh lettuce and a light dressing which I even enjoy, and I'm not a salad dressing kinda gal.) AND a glass of wine. It might not sound like a lot, but trust me here people - it's delicious.

Then I went to the Paley Center for Media (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) and went straight to the viewing library. My best friend from college, Will, met me there and we each picked one half hour sitcom to watch. See, they have this GIANT library of TV shows that you can pretty much watch any show ever made.

I picked the Cheers Thanksgiving episode "Orphans". This is probably one of the funniest television episode ever made. The reason it works is because it's a well functioning cast of characters that the actors so naturally portray - there is also a giant food fight that makes it look like the best day of "work" ever. Seriously, if I could act in anything, I'd pick recreating that episode. (When I was watching this I got a hilariously "bitter" call from my brother Mike about how he was tossed aside when I was born 26 years ago. If you think I'm at all funny, trust me when I say that my brother Mike is waaaay funnier than I am. Probably some of the funniest lines I've ever heard in my life were from him.... and not suitable for this blog.)

Will picked the pilot for the show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, because that was Will's idol when he was in school. I had never seen the show before, but of course knew of it's existence, because TV is my favorite part of life. The show is absolutely absurd, but had it's moments. My favorite part is that the gymnasium is decorated for a dance and the theme is "Remember the 80's"; the show was first aired in 1990.

Will and I then took the train downtown and he jumped off at 34th street and I went down to the office. Don't worry - I didn't do a lick of work. I came in just in time for our holiday card photo, hung out for a little bit with people not in meetings, and then went to get my nails done.

After all this fun, I was ready for my party.

At the Liar, all the regular's showed up, and had brought me many funny gifts. All silly wonderful inside joke gifts. Then there were drinks, oh were there drinks. I chose "The Pink Drink" that Shafer often makes my friend Ben Kissel. He told me what was in it at one point, but I forgot -it's that good! Work, comedy, and old friends came to hang out and enjoyed the newer, larger liar - with a foosball table. I lost at foosball, but had a pretty hilarious time trying to play and drink.

Then, the bold, the crazy, and the comedians headed to Second on Second for Karaoke. The DJ Chris had no idea what he was getting into when we rolled in. It was a very crazy music selection from Britney Spears (It is hard to do those songs when you're wasted! I'm sorry girl.) to Barry Manilow (Little known fact, I know every word to Copa Cabana.) I got my request of having Shafer do his rendition of "Your So Vain", he does it all in first person. Arthur and I did some Jimmy Buffet as well. But, the best act of the night had to be Ann and Lindsay (The Brunettes) singing Gangster's paradise. Simply amazing.

I can't thank my friends enough, for not only coming out- but for also all the great messages I received. Thanks again everyone for helping me ring in my 26th year so happily.

Week Off Day #1

I've had insomnia for the past week, which isn't why I took off, but it helps to be able to sleep late, even if the sleep is quite restless. I was up for about 60 hours with a total of 12 hours sleep in a 72 hour period between Friday and Sunday...which only goes to show how crazy I get without sleep, I do unnecessary math.

I have a lot to do this week, but my goal is still to have my one day on the couch/TV and Radio museum time.

I'm thinking Friday is going to be that day.

Sadly, the best part of my day off was that I was able to handle medical claims and schedule medical appointments. You might be thinking, but Sue, you can do that at work! You have a phone.

Not really.

When I make appointments I have to answer a lot of personal questions and saying things like "I need a vaginal exam." Is something I think my co-workers would be happy not to hear.

"Why don't you just duck outside or into an empty office?"

Well, outside there are people on the street who don't want to, or even worse might really want to hear about what's going on in my cabin down below.

And slipping into an empty office space could be even more frightening. Imagine your boss comes into you stealthily sitting in the dark saying things about your private parts parts...
then they'll really think I'm a phone sex operator, and not someone with just an alluring phone voice.

So, this is growing up I guess. Vacation time used to mean fun, now it's "Oh boy! I have time to take care of my health and bills!"

I'm off to go relax and help some pals decorate their Christmas tree.

When Comedy Stops Being Funny...

And starts getting real,

Real World Comedy - NYC

At 6:30 I leave work on Friday evening and head into midtown Manhattan to host an open mic. It's in the basement of a Mexican Restaurant, owned by Koreans, that has a Hawaiian theme - "Maui Taco".

For the next five hours I register, and bring up almost 30 comedians to the make-shift stage where they "work out" their material.
They pay $5 for 8 minutes of stage time.
8 minutes might not seem very long to you.
8 minutes is a goddamn lifetime when you're in the basement of a taco joint at nine o'clock on a Friday.

The majority of the room were male comics, and by the luck of the draw they all went up before the females got to go up.
This worked out OK because females are supportive of each other and will actually wait to hear people's sets
- Unlike the testy males who sat on the other side of the room huffy that the regular host was not there.
You change things at an open mic, and you'd think you switched their coffees from regular to decaf the way they become so cranky.

The comics ranged in topics:
Some were one-liners,
Some were story tellers,
There were bi-lingual struggles,
and interpretative movement pieces,
and horrifically racist attempts at humor.

All in all, it turned out that the female comics stuck by my side to the hilarious end
where the funniest comic of the night was Mara Herron regaling us with romantic mishaps.

As I packed up the mic stand, and put away the speakers,
I was exhausted mentally and physically
but so freakin' grateful for the stage time.

See, comics are addicts.
It could be a good or bad batch of comedy,
but we need it,
endure and sacrifice anything to have it.
We need that high of one chuckle spawned from our turn of phrase-
and we can sleep a little bit better at night,
get through that arduous meeting,
sit through a painfully long train ride home,
it's all a little sweeter
just knowing that you got that laugh.

Many thanks to Hector Luis for taking the night off and letting me host the Maui Mic.
The Maui Mic is open Wednesday and Friday nights at 8pm.

For more information on my stand up performances please visit: SueFunkeComedy.blogspot.com

This Bite Is HUGE

You know the expression "bitten off more than you can chew"?
Well, I am pretty freakin' stubborn so I won't admit that.

My seemingly simple week has blown up and I look at my new obsession, my iGoogle page and all I see is my calendar that is booked up to the point of every hour I've got a meeting or a deadline, and a to do list that seems like I've done everything but check off my own personal goals.

My friend Andy would probably send me a book on how to organize myself right now, or something on fast tips to save time.
While I'm sure that works for some, that is just so not my cup of tea.

I'd rather just complain about it and then just work until I drop. It helps me sleep, that and tea.
Speaking of which, I've got a peppermint cup of tea waiting for me at the Treehouse Open Mic, so I gotta run....

Oh, heck I'll treat myself and saunter at a medium pace.

Thank goodness I took next week off for my birthday... more on that when I get the time.

Waiting for My Check to Come in

I've been working part time on some freelance writing assignments four about six months now.
During this time I've been paid only once, and the money they owed me was piling up.

The check finally came in and I'm using most of it to pay off many bills, but I also promised myself a hundred bucks or so of "fun money".

I thought hey, maybe I'll get an iPod, or a pretty dress, or some movies I really want (I currently don't even own my favorite movie of all time, Annie Hall - although I do look at the DVD prices about once a week and tell myself, Sue you don't really need to spend $10 on a movie you've seen countless times.)

This weekend I'm cashing the check and I've spent the money on something fun -
a Thanksgiving dinner for me and my friends. My roommates and I all put in about a hundred dollars each and now have a full feast for some of our close friends for tomorrow... that we are boldly going to make ourselves.

Well, it's no iPod, but it is pretty awesome.

Gobble, gobble pals.

Writers

Lately, I feel like everyone is talking about writing. This is awesome because as a writer I kind of always want to talk about writing. I'm usually always writing something. If it's not manifestos for work (wink) it's comedy, or this blog, or ad copy for a pet store, or a compelling story for a charity. I love words.

This month is actually celebrating writing. Did you know that it's National Novel Writing Month? Known to enthusiasts, and participants, as Nanowrimo- the goal is to write 50,000 words that translates into a 175 page novel. The thing that kind of boggles my mind is, you're not supposed to go back and edit - you're just supposed to keep going. As an editor, and a perfectionist, it mystifies mind. I give participants a lot of credit, and think it's cool that it's inspired so many people to finally get down to that novel they've been meaning to write. If I were to participate I'm pretty sure my novel would be like this:
"It was a dark stormy night and... I really need to drop off my laundry. I wonder why I wait to lug 40 lbs of clothing in while I'm wearing bikini bottos and a dolphin t-shirt to do this. I like popsicles. Remember when I said it was dark and rainy? Yeah, scratch that it was the year 4045 and we're all iguanas - with relationship issues."

As you can see, my stream of consciousness is an odd place that is better off not captured in long form. Ever since I wrote my screenplay that sits on my hard drive taking up space, I have given up the long form. The comedy writing does much better for me. Although, it's kind of screwing over a lot of people lately...
(like that transition folks?)

I have to say, as someone who wants to write comedy for television, I love these strickers. They are fighting for my future. Also, they have a great reason to strike, they make no money while everyone makes money off of their work. Hopefully, talks will resume and my future career in television writing will hold a great prosperous deal. Until then, continue marching on my future co-workers!
Also, people side with the writers, please - or else it's gonna be all reality TV, and American minds are rotting enough as it is.

I'm getting off my soap box now. Off to scribble in my notebook....

No, Really, I Hate Halloween...

And I'll tell you why, there are freakin' freaks EVERY WHERE...

well, on 6th avenue for the Halloween parade.
It took me 25 minutes to get from 17th and 8th avenue to 14th and 6th avenue.
Really? That is about a five minute walk.
The cops were all jerks, and the tourists were all in costumes and walking too slow, while the locals were all freaking out because they can't get to their own apartments.
Oh! and they close the sidewalks. So, you have to walk in the street in little blocked off lanes like you're cattle going to the slaughter.
Awesome job NYPD! No terrorists would ever get through that blockade.

You would never guess I hate Halloween this year though.
Why? Because apparently all my femininity is in decorating and dressing.

My office held a competition for best dressed and best decorated cube.
Here's my picture of me in my department:
Not only did I get back into the Wonder Woman suite, but I also made my entire department decorate and told them they HAD to dress up. Here's me and my manager Jennie Smash:

(I put up the webs over the windows)

And I have to give credit to our black webs designer, my pal Lauren (aka Mia from Pulp Fiction):
And, let me just say we won best decorations:
Can you see how happy I am about that?

Yeah, I still hate Halloween - I like being able to get on subways without being corralled, don't mess with that!

(I also don't like scary movies and people dress up like that and it spooks me. Shhh, I'm a wuss.)