Christmas Vacation '08

It's no secret that I love New York City, but it gets a little much after a while, and it's great to escape.

Thankfully, my sister lives in pretty much the complete antithesis of New York City -Palmyra, VA.
This little town is right on Lake Monticello, which for those of you that need a history refresher is the estate of the late President Jefferson.

There's no public transportation, everyone seems to know everyone, it's warmer (well 20 instead of 10..ooooh wee!) and I'm hanging out with two kids under 8 years old and a dog. It's a nice change of pace going to bed at 11pm instead of a show.

Last night my nephew asked my sister and I to take him caroling. This was quite the sacrifice for me, not because of the embarrassment or the chilly weather, but I was smoking a really nice Monte Cristo with my brother-in-law which I had to put down because it's a little odd for carrolers in the first place, but one with a stogie seems even more out of place.

We went to the houses that had the cool lights and sang Santa Claus is Coming to Town. We were well recieved. It made me think of what the responses would be if I did this in Queens. Here's my theories of how it would go:

Apartment 1 - door slammed in face
Apartment 2 - "We have no money!"
Apartment 3 - "Que?"

Well, I'm off to go make some sort of confectionary with a hyperactive 7 year old.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate
have great holidays and regular days to all else.

It's Fall, and I Eat Too Much Bacon

This morning I switched from iced coffee to hot coffee,
I also wore a t-shirt, skirt and no coat and froze my ass off.
It's officially Fall!

I also have been eating a lot of bacon lately
and not at all have I been satisfied with the bacon I've eaten
I'm chasing the bacon taste when it's done to perfection -
Big Sis Jen Z and Greg make the absolute best bacon ever
they have this great pan for it, and they put a screen over the pan..

I need to get married, for nothing else but the kitchen supplies.

Comedy, Family, Food = My Life Right Now

This blog could also be titled:
I'm Broke
Easter The Way Christ Intended - A Lazy Day of Reflection

Lots of great comedy going on right now. I've got a decent March schedule lined-up so far.
This year, I said I'd go to more comedy shows.
I have been really good at doing that.
Unfortunately, comedy somehow leads to social drinking. And social drinking leads to me taking cabs...
and that leads to me eating out of the vending machine at work and constantly complaining about how broke I am.
I don't know if my friends are sick of me saying it, but I sure am.

The fundwatch '08 is just beginning. I've still got the dreaded "t word" to deal with (t is for taxes and it's mighty frightening for me, cause I always owe money).

The brokeness doesn't just effect eating habits though. I'm also unable to spend Easter with the family in Florida this year. This won't be that big of deal, though. My family rarely gathers for Easter.

The first year I lived on my own in fact I started my lone Easter tradition - ordering in lamb, getting a good bottle of wine, and watching TV until I fall asleep.
Sure, it might sound pathetic and borderline alcoholic to you - but to me it's a lovely way to spend Easter Sunday.

My brother Mike's family orders in Chinese and watches movies. This may sound low key, but I believe my sister in law Tina may enjoy this more than Christmas.

The dedication to low key is something so rare for holidays.

Usually holidays mean: high stress family visits, the need for perfection, and extreme over eating

So, even though I'll miss out on this years Florida-Easter-Fest with my brother Matt, my Uncle Bill and my Mom at the house her and my step dad are renting for their "Snow Bird" month, at least I'll get a day of relaxation.
Even if I am broke, I intend on continuing my tradition.
And if I find myself worrying about the cash flow- well, there's always 3 buck chuck.


In other family news - Go check out my sister's book on Amazon.com. This book is going to be hilarious. I know this, because her columns are so freakin' funny.
And I'd say that even if she wasn't my sister.

It's My Brother's Birthday!

I had a dream last night about how I was walking in Manhattan and I was supposed to meet up with my friend Matt Urban.
Instead - I bumped into my brother Matt Funke!
When I woke up I looked at the calendar and realized it was Matt's birthday.
Thanks unconsciousness! You are so good at remembering.

Matt is ten years older than me.
So he's the easiest math to figure out how old he is every year.

My brother Mike is 9 years older than me.
Jen is 12 years older than me.
They're more complicated, I've got to carry one's - it gets involved.

By now you might be thinking- "My, that's a large age difference."
Sure is.

My nickname was "hole in the condom".

My parents denied this.
My mother said I was a luxury baby.
My father explained this as, "You were the kid we could actually afford to have."

Either way - happy birthday to my big brother Matt.
The best babysitter in the world - we'd get a movie, soda, pizza, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's each and hang out late.
The best influencer of music - he taught me to love classic rock.
and an all around great big brother - even though he lives in Florida, if anyone messes with me, watch out sucker!!

New York Giants Beat Packers!!!

This was the first football season I've watched more than like three games.

It started with Thanksgiving watching the game with my brother and brother-in-law. I realized that all the work that my friend Will put in on teaching me the game the past two seasons worked off.
I finally got it.

Now, you might be saying, "Dude, football's an easy game to follow."

Um, not really.

But, after years of questioning, it made sense.

I chose the Giants to root for this year, because I wanted a New York team to win. After the Mets season, I needed a New York underdog to make it.

What a team to pick. Against all odds, the Giants won tonight.

I watched the game with my pals Ben and Arthur in a bar that Maggie, Ben's girl friend and my pal, also happened to work at. It was nice to be invited out as one of the guys. I think my favorite part was being able to hold my own in sports conversation with other guys at the bar though.

About fifteen years ago my sister told me, "Sue, ya need to have a basic understanding of sports to hang out with, and go out with men."

I didn't believe her. Our brother, Matt, didn't like sports. He liked Star Trek, Star Wars, and classic rock. All of these things were much more fun to me than watching sports. I learned to love these alternate male interests, and many others during my anti-sport phase- such as:
-Magic the Gathering
-Ninjas
-Chess
-Dungeons and Dragons
-Profession Wrestling (though strenuous, not a real sport)

I fought the urge to follow sports, except of course for the Mets. Until, Will, my best friend from college, took me aside one boring Sunday and helped me understand football.

So, last night I sat at the end of the bar calling flags and cheering "Go Blue!" in a crowd of rowdy New Yorkers, with some poor Packers fans peppering the population. That game was so close, everyone was on the edge of their seats, and then during the magical overtime moments - New York miraculously pulled through.

And that's when the music came on, Frank Sinatra's voice boomed loudly, "It's up to YOU New York, Neeeeew Yoooork!!!" and grown men hugged each other, women slapped five and jumped around hugging strangers. It was nice to be in NYC during a big home team win. As a Met fan, I don't get a ton of those times, so I plan on savoring that memory for a long time.

After that experience, we mixed it up a bit. Maggie, Ben, and I went down to a piano bar in the village to a friend's birthday party. There people were joyous as well, though they had no idea the Giants even won. They were singing show tunes around a piano while a portly waitress busted out ditties such as "Mama Says". It was a very different scene. But that's what makes New York nights so awesome.
You can go from Giant testosterone to a gay version of Billy Joel's piano man.

Charlottesville Shuttle

This blog could also be titled:
Ok, Jen You Were Right
or
Get Your Tickets Now for the NYC Shuttle

I left work on Friday not looking forward to traveling to my sister's.

Don't get me wrong here. I absolutely love going to my sister's. She lives in central Virginia in a place where there's local stores, a lake, vineyards, rolling hills, fresh air, stars in the night sky (pretty much the only lights), and friendly neighbors. It's a wonderful break from NYC.

But Jen's house is approximately 9 hours away. I usually take Amtrak and it's hellish. Penn station is miserable enough because of the trip to dreaded midtown.

So, when I walked out of the office all I trudged the two blocks and one avenue over to the quiet meat packing district. It was cold and windy and I dreaded waiting for this stupid bus to come.

And then, it happened.

The bus was there. The driver was friendly and so was everyone on the bus. As we pulled away everyone introduced themselves. People were warm and genuinely nice. I ended up sitting next to a lovely woman who knew one of my co-workers. We spoke for four hours straight.

There was free sandwiches, coffee, tea and homemade cookies, internet access, and plenty of leg room.

The ride was smooth and fast. I got to Charlottesville at 12:30 am - after only 7 hours on the bus.

Now, that might seem like a crazy, "only seven hours". I've taken the train and it's taken 10 hours, I was sitting by the door freezing, and had to wait an hour in Penn for the train to arrive.

I am converted.

I love this bus and intend to use it again and again. It's affordable, friendly, and it takes me to one of my favorite get aways ever- Charlottesville.

I'm glad I live in NYC, but it can get annoying here sometimes. Now, I know I can get away to hang out with my sister and her awesome family in affordable, comfortable manner.

Thank you NYC Shuttle and Jen for talking me into taking the bus.

Her exact sell was, "Sue, I know you'll love it. I can see you blogging about it now."

What can I say?
The woman knows me.

War on Christmas?

In WW1 there was a truce.

We've regressed.

Bill O'Reilly will tell you there is still a war on Christmas. But he is referring to the fact that because Christmas is a Christian holiday some people find it easier to say happy holidays in lieu of Merry Christmas so they don't offend people of different religious beliefs. And of course this means war! -- to someone like Bill O'Reilly.

Sadly though, there is a real war on Christmas.
When you read stuff like "Suicide Bomber Kills # at Funeral" it makes you realize that the war on words is probably just about the stupidest piece of news around.

This Christmas, I'm in Virginia with my sister and her husband and kids. My mom got them all the toys with the noise.
As I type this, I hear the sounds of the princess bike my niece is sitting upon and my nephew making farting noises with his mouth as his pushes her around.
To me, that's Christmas- but that's just cause I was raised a good consumer Christian.

If you would like to send presents to the troops in Iraq you can here:
Treats for Troops
It's ok that it won't make it in time for Christmas. You can make any day Christmas for them, or a holiday - whatever you prefer.

Have a good day people, heck make it a merry one.

Work Out Plan

New roommate Emily's nick name around here is Pink. And as I write this I'm looking at our stockings hanging on the wall. All our names in black, except for Pink's which is written in Pink. She loves the color.
It just makes her over-the-moon happy.

Don't let the nick name fool you, she's one tough cookie.
She's also my partner in crime lately.

Today we went out to buy food and jump ropes. We're both going to be bridesmaids in '08, and we don't wanna be gross in a ton of photos.
We also don't want to give up Mexican food and cookies.

So, we figured jumping rope is fun, and cheap. Why not?

Well, in the Sports Authority we saw all sorts of fun equipment, like the perfect push up tool. It was 30 bucks though, and that's a lot around holiday time so we moved on.
Then we saw a trampoline that was 30 bucks.
We agreed that was totally worth the 15 split.

We walked out of the store:
Me with our reusable green shopping bags.
Pink with a cumbersome box that reads in giant letters TRAMPOLINE.

She walked down Steinway Street in Queens staring every passer by dead in the eye as if to say,
"Heck yeah I got a trampoline and you're jealous."
I know this because she told me that was what she was doing.

I am so excited about the trampoline. It reminds me of my sister.
When Jen lived in Queens she had a trampoline just like ours.
We would jump on it and listen to Abba Gold.

Did I mention I can wait to see my sister for Christmas?
I'm gonna go get the excited energy out by jumping on the springy trampoline.

Many thanks to roommate tom for putting together the trampoline. Shockingly, he was not as excited as we were about it. His response was a monotone "yay." and later on, "it better not scratch the floor."

I love the Mets...

But this season was awful.

In a conversation via email with Big Sis Jen Z:

Me: Oh, and let's never speak of the '07 season of the NY Mets again.

Big Sis Jen Z: I'll be sitting Shiva for the Mets this week.

I am very upset about how they blew it. I wonder who's head is gonna roll for this rapid decline to awfulness. Omar? Willie? The entire team for losing it after such a great season?

I think we should talk about this season like Family Guy spoofs Germany's denial of WW2:


Oh the 2007 Mets? Nope, nope, they left to manage a Dairy Queen...

Also, regarding beer halls, Oktober fest was yet another success this year. Much fun and alcohol was had by all.

Reflections on Lake Monticello

I just got back from a road trip I took with my mom to visit my sister:
http://jenniferzajac.com

9 hours down
7 hours back up

It’s definitely a long car ride.
My mother and I are far from Thelma & Louis.
Mama Funke & I are totally G rated.

I learned that my mother has officially let herself act like a kid again,
And I am an adult.
On hour 6 of our car ride down, when she is so antsy she’s gone beyond the normal complaining of,
“This car ride is too far,”
to,
“We will never get there!”
we get lost.

This led us to a role reversal mother/daughter fight set to the sounds of Perry Cuomo:

“This is going to take forever, it’s going to be dark when we get there!”
“It will not take forever, and we’ll get there long before your bedtime. Stop fussing!”
Hot diggity, dog diggity do! What you do to me! Oooh! What you do to me!

On the car ride home it was grey skies and we already missed our family. I had my mom put in “the CD that matched my shirt”-
Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon.

Mama Funke’s review of Dark Side of the Moon
“I may not like the words on this album but the music is very relaxing and melodic.”

The time spent at my sister’s house at Lake Monticello was wonderful as always.
Greg (my brother-in-law) was in high spirits because he had just gotten cable TV back and was thrilled to share his ESPN with someone he knew would appreciate it.
(Truth is I love TV so much I’d appreciate someone getting the TV Guide Channel.)
The tiny monchichi baby that was my niece the last time I was there

was now a beautiful, bouncy, little lady. Her femininity is just as apparent as her age. At ten months she likes things that you shake, her mommy, and chewing on her finger. Her smile is undeniably adorable, and hilariously coy when it's the smile she gives when she knows she's crawled to something she shouldn't have.

My nephew Sam has a grown into a great little handsome man. At times he has sarcasm that could be likened to a teen, and he’s always surprisingly smart and high spoken. At best though he’s a goofy fun five year old.

Jen was Jen - the great, fun, full of energy big sister that I know and love.

Highlights of the visit:
+A Mom’s Club pool party - easily one of the best parties I’ve been to all summer. There was amazing looking food, a really fun down-to-earth group of women, and a diving board- who could ask for more?

+Two beautiful vineyards I’ve never been to before.

+Tea time with Mama Funke and Big Sis Jen Z

I have to say driving hours away from NYC, through rolling hills, and spending time with the two women who’ve known me since I began, was not just a vacation spent in the sun by a pool, it was also a time of great peace of mind.

My Favorite Quotes from the LM trip:

“Today’s really been Saturday! I haven’t had a Saturday for like three years. I did lawn work. I’m gonna watch football tonight. We’re at a vineyard. This is a Saturday.” – Greg

“Aunt Sue, why is it that you’re funnier at home than you are here?” – Sam on my comedy career.
He then went on, “What did the ocean say to the dunes?”
“I dunno, Sam, what?”
“Nothing, it just waved.”
I laughed very hard and Sam giggled a bit, and then continued, “You can use that.”

Thanks Sam. :)

Sharing the Bed

When two people are in the same bed sleep can often be impossible.
One tosses while the other turns,
sometimes you get a kicker,
a snorer,
a person with sleep apnea that you're pretty sure may be dead every other breath.

I've had great sleep lately though
and I've shared my queen sized bed every night.

My bedmate?
My laptop.

I'm up with it all hours of the night.
We're checking email, mets scores, funny websites,
WRITING, WRITING, and WRITING some more.

People are starting to worry about my social life.
I had someone say to me last night, "You're letting that hot new body go to waste".
I also got an email from Big Sis Jen Z
it was entitled "Flirting 101"
and just had this helpful link:
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/meetmarket/0,,b2d197d6,00.html

Next time I'm away from my laptop and around men again,
I'm definitely going to make sure I don't bitch about all the time with the laptop,
I'll save that for the big slumber party we'll all have.

It's Been A While or "Ruptured Cyst"

The following is a fuzzy transcript of a telephone call
that took place on March 15th, 2007.

THE SUE FUNKE
Hi, you busy? You sound busy.

BIG SIS JEN Z
Kinda, but you sound like something is wrong. What's wrong?

THE SUE FUNKE
I'm at Mom's. I got real sick this week. In and out of the hospital-
I had a cyst freaking explode in me.

BIG SIS JEN Z
So that's why you haven't updated your blog!

THE SUE FUNKE
Well, that, and I had a big show at Carolines,
and I had that work function in San Diego.

BIG SIS JEN Z
Yeah,
but it has been a while since you've posted...

-I'm still healing.

There will be many stories
after recovery.

Screw Blogs, It's All About the Columnists Baby

From the time I was born until I was six I shared a room
with my sister.

My sister then went to college in DC,
did improv and stand up comedy,
became a journalist/writer,
and then moved back home when I was around 12
for about a year or so,
and shared my room again.

I've always loved and admired my sister.
She is super cool.

No one even knew what college was when I was six,
and I had a sister who went there.
Ooooh...coool.

When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I would say:
Ballerina, Teacher, Astronaut, or a DJ on WKRP in Cinninati.

And then they'd say,
"But you're such a good writer, why don't you be a writer?"
And that was just crazy,
because there already was a writer in the family,
my sister, Jen.

Well, in college I realized that I really was a writer,
and that a family can have more than one person in a profession.

So, both of my brothers are teachers,
and my sister and I are writers.

Check out my super cool sister's column:
"While I Was Out"

And move over Bronte sisters:
we're alive
and we're funny

Where the Funke have you been?

I know, I know,
I don't know you enough to call you,
but least I could do is write.

So where have I been?

• Not home cleaning I can tell you that as I look around the apartment at all the security I have built in.

• I've been doing a bunch of stand up.

• I went to visit my sister in Virgina. My sister's 9 hours away by car, I drove back and forth with my mother and found that either I'm not the road warrior I used to be or driving with my mother can make me tense, I think it might be a little of both.

• I've been visiting Friends.

• I've been working.

• I've been trying to figure out simple math*

*insert picture of me crying here.

I swear I'll have something interesting to say...
oh, wait,
TELEVISION

TV has been pretty good to me this season.

Season finales were never so consistently produced to round out a season.

For example, Grey's Anatomy - first season it was like Melrose Place meets hospital with all the love affairs and non-stop romantic drama.
Second season was a nice culmination of the results of the bad deeds going punished.
From the two hour season opener to the two hour season finale I actually cared about these characters. There are believeable love stories on this show and some good medical drama stuff thrown in to boot.

But if you want medical drama, go see House, M.D. - did they lose the M.D. or am I the only one hanging onto that?
Well, anyway except for the annoying side story about Cameron being in love with House, this show is all about the facts, and the bitter doctor that doles them, and to say it is well done is an understated.
It's medically fascinating, bittingly witty, and the filming in the season finale was phenominal. If you haven't watched this show I recently found out they replay them on USA Networks from my mom and step father who enjoy shows in syndication rather then primetime.

My favorite season finale though, had to be LOST.
It was overwhelming with answers, but extremely well shot, and gave you enough questions to feel satisfied about the season and excited for next season.
They also aren't completely leaving us crazed fans high and dry. There's actually an interactive "game" online all summer long.**

So that's something to look forward to while I DVR repeats of shows I've neglected through out the season.

I think the best show I'm not watching enough of is "Everybody Hates Chris". If you think the family sitcom is dead, you'll be surprised to know that Chris Rock saved it. I have yet to watch an episode and not laugh. It's a clever take on the Wonder Years Formula, but it's set in Bed Stuy in the early 80's.


Well, I should sign off now, Rescue Me just started. I have only seen last season, but I think this show is off the beaten path (in that kid-who-was-wearing-all-black-and-kinda-weird-in-the- Ally-Sheedy-Breakfast-Club-way-that-is-funny-and-cool-once-you-give-'em-a-chance) with it's dark humor and the topics it covers. The direction of each episode differs but Leary and his buddy Peter Tolan write the majority of it and some episodes directed so vividly with bold color and creative framing that it is amazing that it is a show about firefighters and not a piece of art film. I am also a sucker for Dennis Leary.
This new season kind of worries me though, I feel as though it's going to be very predictible : Tommy's marriage finally disolves, his Dad has to die, the guy who was wronged by the whore is going to go down the tubes, and I'm thinking Tommy's brother is going to cross him.
But they are pretty good at pulling out some random story lines, so let's hope for that. If it doesn't work out I might actually have to start reading again.


**Can you imagine back if Dallas had an interactive Who Shot JR game? I wonder if they'd have a little rifle range where you could try to shoot him too...