"Guilt Trip"

This post could also be titled
"A very horrible night"
"Sleeping in a Stairwell"
or
"Miserably Frightening Evening"


On Friday I went out, even though my stomach wasn't really happy with me.
I wanted to catch up with some old friends. So, I went to the bar to meet them and sipped water for a while and listened to stories while my stomach started to burn.
I lasted until about 9pm and then I knew I had to get home.
So, I hopped into a cab and curled up in the fetal position.
I needed a medicine at home that basically prevents me from puking and makes me fall asleep.

I rarely throw up,
but when I do, it's horrible.

I don't just spew.
My intestines writhe and spasm.
I heave about every 3 minutes.
I hurl about every 10.
I usually cry from the pain.

I desperately wanted to avoid this.
I just wanted to take my medicine and quietly pass out.

When I get to the apartment I see the worst thing you could see at this point:
My keys were on the table.

I texted my roommates.
New-roommate-Emily was on a date.
She was in the middle of dinner and couldn't get out of there until 12ish.
roommate Tom was drinking with the same people he was with last night, and the night before, at beerfest.

I of course figured roommate Tom would come through and help me out.

Why?

Well, besides being a friend, I have done a series of favors for roommate Tom the past few months that I had been saving up his "I owe you ones" and now had a great need to cash them in.

What kind of favors you ask? below is the list:
-picked up and paid for his laundry
-woke up at 6 AM to pay rent and explained to the land lord that roommate Tom didn't have his yet
-did his dishes, at least 10 times
-cleaned his room and set it up all nice for a girl
-gone to the store for him in the rain

There are more things I'm sure, but whatever, we're friends. Friends help each other out.

So, I text roommate Tom and ask him to come home with the keys.
No response.
I tell him I need to get in to take medicine.
No response.
I start to feel even sicker, like the puking might come soon.
I call him up - get his voicemail - beg him to come home.
He texts me finally - Gonna be a while.
I ask him to please head home instead of staying out, and explain that Emily isn't able to leave.
He tells me he's going to The Liar.
I beg him to come home instead.
He tells me to get a cab into the city and get keys from him.
I tell him I can't get a cab,
I'm about to get sick.
No response.
I try to get a cab, by now I'm feeling really weak, I'm wobbling like I'm drunk, but I haven't drank all night.
I luck out! A cab pulls to the curb, but before I can open the door it's too late -
I throw up.

The cab pulls away and I'm now crying to roommate Tom's voicemail to come home to help me.
He texts me that he doesn't appreciate my guilt trip.

I crawl into the stairwell by our apartment and spend the next two and a half hours
crying
shivering
and going through the normal throw up routine.

My phone dies.
I use my computer to IM text roommate Tom.
He finally started on his way home, but he's gone the wrong way on the subway - it'll be a while.

Finally, at around 11:45 my neighbor is walking their dog and I pop out from the stairwell and scream her name. She runs over to me and helps me up to her apartment where her and her boyfriend were kind enough to give me a sweatshirt and some tea.
roommate Tom texts me about 20 minutes later
"Opened the door, going to the bar"
I didn't see him, I just walked in to the open door, got a bucket and crawled into bed.

New-roommate-Emily came home about 20 minutes later and came down to check on me.
My old buddy Tom did not.

I haven't talked to him since.

I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty on Friday.
I was desperately trying to get help.

A mutual friend of ours reasoned, "Well, you should've just told him that you had a keg you needed help with, then he'd come help you".

I wonder if beer was locked out if he would've come to help it out.

NEW - UPDATE ON THIS POST!

We're Home!

We handed over our keys, got our deposit back, and hugged our landlord goodbye.

Our new place is filled with stuff everywhere that I need to unpack, but I'm trying not to do too much cause the dust was overwhelming today. My allergies are so bad I had to stop a couple of times cause I was afraid I'd have an asthma attack
- I don't have asthma, I did a while ago though triggered by allergies, and it's likely to happen in situations as bad as it was today.
I actually inhaled a dust bunny the size of Giambi.

I'm once again exhausted but I finally feel somewhat accomplished.

I could not have done it without help from my friends.
My fellow Ultimate Expert, Raquel (writer of The Ugly Volvo) came all the way from Do-or-Die BedSty to help sort through my bedroom. She said it was worth it to see all the random belongings I own. "Notebook that says 'buy new notebook', scented tea lights, and a rubber alligator - of course."

My pal Longo also made quite the trek over from "The Slope"
He flew in at around 1pm and immediately started moving everything and anything he could. He was also handy for his documentary skills, taking pictures of several stages of the move so that we will always recall the madness of seeing the apartment empty.

Roommate Tom is now officially buddy Tom again. He had Anthony and Scott help move him out, and special guests his parents. Tom senior is probably one of my most favorite people to see. Even though I only spent about 10 minutes speaking with him he was absolutely hilarious.

"Hey Mr. M!"
"Oh hey, you remembered me?"
"Of course I would. You're my roommate's Dad!"
"I dunno. I'm kind of forgettable."
"I beg to differ, you're very memorable."
"Who? Me?"

Then, later as I was coughing my head off he went into a detailed explanation of how I needed to take my Flonase.

"Oh ya gotta get on that Flonase. It's great stuff. I was at the doctor and we were just having a visit and I told him I was having some congestion. Then he put me on that Flonase and I felt much better.

Well...actually, I told him about the sinus trouble and next thing I knew he had a tube with a camera on it up my nose fishing around -"
This is when Tom and his mother came in the room with the same mortified look that read, "Oh dear God what is he telling these poor people."

I'd tell you more, but I gotta unpack, paint my room, and get the living room ready for the Super Bowl.

Yeah, we're having people over in a place we just moved into for a Super Bowl party.
That's just how we roll.

Hippie Hearted

It was when I was eleven years old when my mom started calling me her "hippie dippie"

She would often look at me in my bellbottomed jeans, wrinkly shirts, long hair, and say "where did I pick up the flower child?"

I'm not really sure.

And, at work, I'm often taunted (lovingly) about how I'm a dirty hippie.

Now, Mom, don't worry I am (usually) showered and looking lovely (maybe not ironed, I'm sorry Ma) but I'm wearing a pink floyd shirt and old Birkenstocks.
My brother, Matt is forever telling me he wants to put me on "What Not to Wear"
If they laid a hand on my concert t's, I would bite them.


It's not just the clothes though, it's also the political affiliations - I voted for the Green party
I was in college, young, maybe on a little green.


A big part of my hippiness though, is the music.


So, on Tuesday, when I went to see Tom Petty I was excited.

I've been a really big fan of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers since I can remember liking music.
I'm getting happy just walking to meet my friend, Jill, after work to get my ticket and head over with her to the Garden. Finally, I was seeing Petty LIVE!!!

As we walk into the Garden I see my ticket for the first time, "TREY ANASTASIO" written under Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers...

"um, Jill, is this ticket right?"

Jill looks like I'm still voting for the Green party, then shakes her head "yeah Sue, it's right"

"Trey Anastasio, from Phish, is opening up the show?"

"yeah," she says acting like I just learned how to read.

"woah"

"Oh, and Stevie Nicks is performing too"

And something happened to me that night that is

VERY RARE AND ALMOST HORRIFICALLY AMAZING

I was speechless.

Jill said I looked :
"Giddy"

It was like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and my birthday all together - except really really really good.


My favorite moments:

Watching Trey jump around stage, he was really having fun. The whole set was muffled because MSG's sound system kinda blows, BUT, it was still pretty chill to listen to live. It was like hanging out with you're buddy in a crowded stadium while listening to the best live background band ever.

Tom Petty's energy amazed me, because by 11:15 I was exhausted from rocking, but he's like three times my age and was heavy rockin' for three more songs. He was also adorable with his love of applause, raising his arms up and pointing at sections at the end of each song, even the ones that no one was listening to because they were new, and in NYC if you're not giving us something we can sing along to or the next big thing, the crowd isn't going to be impressed enough to listen, which is a little annoying, but I'll let it go.

When he introduced Stevie, it was pretty sweet. He called her their little sister, and she came on in a long shawl and sang all mellow, smooth and sultry. It was everything I imagined her to be, so much so, that it seemed as if I was watching a fairy tale on stage.

It was an amazing experience, even though I was getting sicker and sicker every waking moment this week, including during the concert.
The cold/cough I thought I beat two weeks ago, came back and banged around my head, which delayed a lot of normal life things I do, especially blogging.
Hooray for great doctors who will give you free samples of antibiotics! I feel better already :)
and writing about Tom Petty/Trey and Stevie, well that's medicinal in and of itself.

peace,
funke

2008 is Great!

Well, let's hope I don't peak too soon here.

There's a lot of change going on right now, and it's seasonally fitting so I'm rolling with it.

My roommates and I are leaving our apartment next month. The building we live in has been sold, and our apartment is illegally zoned - ain't that great? So the apartment hunt is on, and this time we're only looking for a two bed room.

Roommate Tom will be going back to just buddy Tom here, because he's moving in with his life long pal Anthony. I have to admit I was shocked to hear the news. I couldn't believe Anthony was finally leaving his mom's house, but 30 does seem like the right time to spread your wings.

This leaves Pink and I...and our two boys:

Meet the Dapper Duo, Pink's Christmas presents.

We have yet to name the boys so now they just go by their collar colors - Red and Blue. They are only 3 months old; so the collars barely fit. We have to keep them on though, because the bells upon them are the only way we can find them sometimes.

My favorite thing they do so far is when they play fight. They have these flying jump kick moves that make them look like Matrix kittens. It's awesome.

In other news, my sketch group premiers "Off Broadway" tomorrow night. The Ultimate Experts will be at the Producer's Club 358 West 44th Street (between 8 & 9 Avenue).

This is probably one of the coolest things I'm about to do in my life.

I've had my comedic sketch writing performed before
but to have an entire show with my sketches
and sketches I've collaborated on that are written by amazing comedic writers
and I get to act in them
it's a dream coming true!
Obviously, I'm excited.
(Here's our MySpace page)

I've bought some Sleepy Time Tea with Valerian Root to help me sleep tonight. Hopefully, the mischievous kitties will not get into it - apparently Valerian Root helps humans sleep, but it is like crack for cats.

Thursday Night in NYC with Sue Funke

Last night was the first time I've gone out and about in NYC in a couple of weeks.

I have been busy with stand up and visiting my friend Will in CT.

So, I hit the town with the awesome co-workers first. We went to Art Bar and had some drinks.
How many? I have no idea, all I know is every time I saw the waitress I was ready for another.

While I was there my good buddy Tom text messaged me that he had finally landed and was back in NYC. Since I hadn't seen him in two weeks, I pretty much had to go meet him. So, I parted ways with my friends/co-workers and walked towards the Liar, at least I thought I was heading that way...

Then I fell down, in my demure manner; one foot slides too front, the other too far back and the back knee saved me at the sacrafice of some skin and a bruise.

I was officially a fall down drunk, and I realized, I can't walk to the bar.
Instead I hailed a taxi.

It was good to see Tom, and to be back at the Liar, after a couple more drinks I realized it was time to hail another cab home (pay day is a beautiful thing).

I stood on 6th Ave for 15 minutes waiting for a cab, in the rain, when I finally got one I hear,

"SUE FUNKE!"
It was my wonderful old college suite mate Meryl whom I haven't seen in years.

And all I could say was, "oh, hey" and then I closed the door of the cab and gave directions home.
When you have a cab, never let it go, sorry Meryl.

So when I got my weary body to bed I was able to sleep instantly.

I woke this morning to bright sunshine streaming in and to an alarm clock blinking 12, 12, 12, 12....
I was convinced I slept through Friday.

I jumped out of bed and turned on the radio, Morning Edition was still on, and it wasn't the weekend people - I was ok!

Then I ran to the living room, I was better than ok, it was only 7AM.

Next time, I'll go out on a Friday - but not today.

I need some more rest.

iPod Earbuds Confirm: My Ears are Freakish

I have lived in New York for an entire year without an iPod.

All natives understand how absolutely awful this could be. The sounds of the city are really nothing you should walk around concentrating on day in and day out.
I made it through this hard year thanks to writing comedy, buddy Tom, and alcohol.
(Can you tell it’s awards season?...I’d also like to thank all the annoying songs that got stuck in my head.)

After moving and clearing out my bank account with the cost of moving,
I was living off of oatmeal and vending machines in my budget.
But then, a magical thing occurred – I got my security deposit back.
Now, I could’ve paid off credit card debt, or tax debt that I owe Mama Funke
(…Thanks New York City!)

Instead, I bought a new iPod Nano
Like a good frivolous indebted-American.

I set a spending limit, but then went $50 over that maximum for 4 more GB
And for AIDS research thanks to “Project Red”.
I then realized as I walked out with a super cute red iPod
-that I probably could’ve given a lot more to Project Red if I went with the plain model that was 4GB less and just donated the difference.



Oh well.
I’ll spend some more money on some new songs, iTunes here I come!


I used to have a good taste in music people. I really did.
It was all classic rock, and diverse and really based in intricate sound analysis.
The first songs I buy at the iTunes store?


“Gimme More” by Britney Spears
“Feedback” by Janet Jackson

I guess this is growing up? I’m in that “I love dance music!” phase of single feminine adulthood.
I wonder if next year I’ll download a lot of Barry White and smooth jazz?


I also purchased Kanye West’s new album, which is very good –
A nice finish to his last two CD’s, I enjoy his themes, and it shows growth.


Now, I can listen to these songs everywhere I go!
Walking around town, down the streets where I live, up the subway stairs.
Until…
Oh! Wait! The f’in ear buds fell out again.

I see people all over town wearing them.
They have no where near the frustrations I have.
They don’t walk around constantly replacing them.
I’m the only one that seems to have to continuously shove them in my ears.

It’s annoying, painful, and all I can keep thinking is –
I’m a freak.
My ears are somehow differently shaped than the entire world.
I'm an elf, or some part nymph with these weird tiny, bumpy, ears.

Then, I simmer down, and become reasonable.

Whatever, there are other people who probably don’t fit the round annoying iPod mold.
These people probably just have to go to the store and buy new headphones.
Oh! For crying out loud!.
Now I have to go buy some flippin’ head phones.


~Sue Funke is an Associate Editor, Stand Up Comedian, and life long lover of music. She currently resides in an apartment that is lacking window shades, and is absolutely in enamored with her iPod Nano…no matter what it’s costing her.


For comedy schedule information visit http://suefunkecomedy.blogspot.com

Another One Bites the Dust

Here's the slapdash run down of 2006:

I was promoted at work
twice*.

3 deaths of people close to me:
-Mike LiCalzi
-Bill Barrett
-my Great Aunt Maud
..it always comes in threes.

I met some dumbass men.
Made most of them my friends.
Others are just dumbasses.

Moved in with my buddy Tom
and my college roomate's sister.

Did some fun comedy shows.

Made some wonderful friends from aquaintences.

I turned a quarter of a century.

Developed a stronger long island accent for a joke,
and ended up with a nasty habbit of speaking in the accent.

Appeared on TV twice.
Spent an entire month without TV.

Grew my hair hippie long again.

Quit smoking.

Bought a lot of clothes because I see a Victoria's Secret Catalogue more often then I see myself naked at this point - but that's a whole other story.

Basically, it's been a long year.
I did a lot.
(especially on this blog, which i started in 2006)

So, I'm thinking, can I just sleep through 2007?
I'm freakin' exhausted.


*It only took working very very late into the night and waking up early in the morning.
I think of it as productive insomnia.

Party Intermission

I'm a big fan of the group "Modest Mouse". I find they have an excellent ability to be a soundtrack to my post-college summers.

I chose the song Polar Opposites
and of course, Summer to sum up the past couple of days.

My republican friend from Iowa, Ian, came to visit me Thursday and Friday.

We only got into one fight, and I think both of us were a little disappointed about that, because he's a hoot to argue with because we often end up having great conversations.

We also went around drinking
a couple of nights, and then laid around during the days outside at the cafes of queens*

You might be wondering, Sue, you live in New York, where did you meet a republican from Iowa that's only 24 years old?

Hofstra University, and I know TWO of them.

And both of them were together with other of my treasured Hofstra friends at the Mineola house* on Friday night.
There was a beer pong tournament,
music,
and "worst of day/best of day" on the roof top***.

On Saturday, we woke up and went to the best diner I've ever been to in my life, the Hudson St. Diner in Mineola, which is on such a tiny side street, that if you find it, and it's open, consider being able to eat there your prize. It's run by one woman, she took our orders and cooked our food. It was delicious and cheap. After eating we all decided that we were going to move next door just so we'd never have to eat anything else.

After diner food, one must move or else arteries will immediately seize. So we went to the park and played frisbee and barefoot soccer like the good little hippie kids we are.

Today, I went to brunch with former roomate now Astori-buddy Debbie & Special Guest Astoria bound Tom, and then to my friend's poetry reading. Tom went with me, on our way over he was telling me how he didn't really like poetry, he likes things more straight forward.

I really didn't know what to say. I mean sure, the tough part of me thinks poetry is for whiney teenagers who think no one else has ever gotten their heart broken, or pretenious snots.

But then the wussy (honest) Creative Writing/English major in me thinks that it is the greatest thing ever.

The poems presented were all wonderful and it was really interesting to hear the back stories that accompanied them. It gave me a renewed appreciation of writing.

I then went to New York Comedy Club and did not appreciate any of my new writing, i.e. stand up. So,

NOW
I am now home
getting ready for tomorrow's work
feeling content at the summer time I've spent
and realizing that's it's still new
It takes me back to youth
lived again as a child
the vacation youth provides
and now that i am back to maturity
and work is soon to be done
I'm glad to lay back and know
That youth doesn't pass
if you allow some parts
never to go

I guess I'll leave the poetry to the experts - or a less sleepy sue.

The party isn't over, it's just pausing for an intermission

~asleep.


*The Mineola House is a block away from Mineola train station on Long Island.
This is where my best friend, Will lives with some other great Hofstra graduates. It's an apartment that is over a beauty parlor, there are three rooms, one bathroom, and a full kitchen on each floor of this two level apartment (the second floor has a large living room that has tons of space for people to sit and talk/fall asleep in as well). It's a place that was made to party in, and often is.


**I really only go to this place.
Because of the wait-staff and the location near the park.

***This is a game where you go around and tell the absolute worst of your day, and best of your day and get to tell your friends to drink for how good or bad the story was. It's a very unorganized drinking game, but very fun on a roof top with great friends on a summer night.

Warm front at the House of Funke

Hey TheSueFunke readers,
I hate to be rude,
but I have to discuss a party that I had recently at my abode.

You might not have been invited to the housewarming.
But don't take it personally,
it's just because you're a raging alcoholic/needy/annoying/motormouth/crackwhore/underage/
pervert/psycho/bitch/jerk that wasn't cool enough to make the cut of the invite list.

Or
it could've been that because I live with two other people
the number of invitees multiplied rather quickly

...and even though I have a nice spacious place
the thought of 50+ of your mutual nearest and dearest
being that near and dear
could make certain people have a panic attack*.

So with 50 people saying yes to attend,
35 showed up.

It was a great group of 35 random friends that all fit in fine.

As one guest put it, we don't exactly live in an apartment,
we live "in a freakin' mansion".
By NYC standards of apartments, this is true.
The duplex seemed spacious and comfy that night,
and definitely warmed...

On the main level,
as you walked passed the smokers to the inside,
you came into the sparsely used dance floor/living room that held men watching football and awkwardly socializing,
then as you walked down the hall, where people stood drawing on the large sign in sheets,
you might've caught a glimpse further down the hall into my buddy tom's room
where some dude was actually playing a guitar as women sat around,
and if you're at all like me
- you might've pondered for a minute
about going all Belushi on the moment,
but then realized it wasn't cool to make such scene and that no one would
"get the joke" of you breaking the guitar so violently.

You turn to go to the downstairs area,
down the same stairs that we successfully walked the slinky down,
even though some didn't think it could be done.

Downstairs there was a beer pong tournament set up,
with a large amount of the crowd opting to be spectators,
gambling might have gone on as to winners,
but I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing of this tale
some people may or may not speak of.

There was a lot of laughter,
good music (I spent a lot of time on the 6 hour party playlist),

and some random romances.
None that I was involved in though.
I'm giving up on the idea of finding any romance
but that's a story for an entirely different blog post...

Want more dirt on the party night?
Check out Jennie Smash.


*So I get a little nervous and sometimes shake and hyperventilate when I have to be surrounded by large groups...sometimes. It's not like I get all Britney Spears during parties.